life goes on…

and on
and on
and on

𝒶𝐧𝕕 𝒕𝕙𝜶𝙣𝕜 ց𝞸𝞸d𝗇℮𝑠𝕤 ꞙ𝒐ᴦ 𝑡𝚑a𝐭

I give up on myself way too soon more often than I’m proud to say but as I do pride myself on honesty I am admittedly lackadaisical by nature and will usually choose the path of least resistance (and effort). The toughest trials in my life, however, have made me a better person and if I’d had my way I wouldn’t have had to go through them or would have checked out long ago amidst my struggles and today I LOVE ME! and I’m proud of me! and I can depend on me! and I wouldn’t trade being me for anything! That is huge for me, for anyone really I do believe but, while I’ve faked the funk and walked the walk and talked a big game, I was phony and I didn’t like me or believe in myself in the least. Would you have known this meeting me or even being one of my closest people in life? Not likely. Most didn’t. Until my current Mister – who has seen right through and helped me leave behind the bullshit and mask I hid behind since day numero uno – I had had most everyone fooled (save for my ex-husband and when he’s not in his holier than thou persona my father as well) and had begun to get lost myself in who I really am versus what I’d created to appease the world. The line was so blurred it was nearly nonexistent.

Ι’d ᄃᄋϺᄐ Țᄋ ҌᄐᄂΙᄐѵᄐ ȚᅢΔȚ ₩ᅢΔȚ ᄋȚᅢᄐЯଌ ҌᄐᄂΙᄐѵᄐd ᄋԲ Ϻᄐ ₩Δଌ Ϻᄐ.

From the time I was in middle school until a few years back now I cared dependently what people thought of and said about me. My life revolved around my distorted view of the opinion other people may or may not have had of me. On the thankfully very rare occasion I look backwards and examine the unchangeable choices that led me to today I am bummed for past me and embarrassed at how much time I wasted second guessing myself and being unhappy based on imaginary disdain from people who didn’t matter then and definitely don’t matter now (in my life, of course as people they matter I truly believe everyone does just not in regards to my world). and in all reality probably weren’t thinking about me at all let alone whatever I led myself to believe. But hey – I am here now right where I apparently need to be in life and I learned valuable lessons from making these mistakes along the way so I am grateful for my ignorance and worst experiences. Without those things I may not be me as I am today, I may still be struggling with worry over impressing people on facebook or losing sleep at night wondering what if I had said or done this instead of that and dreading my days…

α δεℓιςατε βαℓαηςε

I learned the hard way that while I am not going to lose sleep over the opinion of others I can’t completely forget that they exist and people are unpredictable and can wreak havoc when you least expect it so I stay aware and use caution when handling the egos and feelings of people who could potentially or have affected mine and my girls’ lives negatively. I keep them out of sight as much as possible but never fully out of mind without letting them invade my life, my thoughts, my energy. A very delicate balance. I have the great program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the teachings of letting go of anger and resentments to thank for a lot of that sanity of which I am truly grateful. I believe this genius that has saved me a lot of heartache and wasted energy is attributed to Buddha: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The simple logic behind this exponentially powerful idea is life altering when embraced and while I’ve never been an angry person I have been a grudge-holder in my self-righteous indignation and held onto blaming others (when deserved but alas does not matter) and resentments with a fear that relinquishing these feelings was allowing them to win or proving them right in some way. However just the opposite happened when I finally embraced forgiveness and acceptance and let go of being hurt and right and justified I freed myself of their control and stopped allowing their negativity to affect me. I won. I got my life back, I took my life back. I took my power back, I stopped giving them power over me. I used to poo-poo this quote because I was the victim and unbeknownst to me for the longest time (until I hit my 30s) I held onto my victimhood for dear life in fear of accepting and taking responsibility for my life and what that would mean in facing myself and having to actually DO something about my self loathing. Being the victim was my security blanket because then it was never my fault and I could tell anyone willing to listen exactly how I was stuck because of everything else everyone else and I was not to blame. The quote I speak of is from Eleanor Roosevelt and while I still have my moments of weakness I grow stronger in accepting and living this truth every day: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Ӏե ís ղօե ҽɑsყ . .

Photo credit Tembela Bohle

. .ҍմե íե ís síʍթƖҽ

It takes work to change from a negative to a positive mindset.
It takes a desire and then applying new habits to your everyday.
It doesn’t just happen. No one else can do it for you. Shortcuts don’t work or last.
I end up falling back into old patterns from time to time but each time I do it gets easier to get back on track.
I choose everyday to be happy. If I am unhappy I realize that is a choice I am making which I find bananas to choose to be unhappy nowadays so I don’t.
It takes a conscious effort to choose happiness, to let go of victimhood, to take responsibility for myself and my happiness and not play the blame game and give away my power and my choice.
I give forgiveness immediately for myself and my sanity even if the person I am forgiving never knows it isn’t for them it is for me.
Each day I try to begin with a clean slate for everyone in my life. I don’t allow yesterdays to affect today and it starts the night before. Before going to sleep I let go of all ill will or negative thoughts or feelings I may have had throughout the day.
Negativity is such a minimal aspect in my life these days because I worked my butt off to change my thinking and after a lot of trial and error and ups and downs and so many failures and missteps it has become second nature to shut down negative thoughts and feelings and embrace only worthwhile positive thinking and actions that reflect what I want not what I don’t want.
Baby steps. Cliche because it works.
Put yourself first and life takes on a whole new view.
Start today – when you have a negative thought consciously stop that thought and reframe it into a positive. Call yourself out to yourself and be accountable to you! Change takes time and repetition creates habits.
Of course there is more to it and again it isn’t easy but sincerely it is simple.
So put foot to ass and start living life choosing to be happy!!
You matter and only you can decide to show you that that is so.

ᙅᖾoo⳽ᥱ ᖾᥲρρɩᥒᥱ⳽⳽.

Ƙιη∂ηєѕѕ ιѕ ƒяєє,
gινє ιт ƒяєєℓу.

AʇɈǝɿɈʜoυϱʜɈƨ

\(‾▿‾\) People are ultimately self-absorbed (myself included) so while you are stressing over what they’re thinking about you or what you said or did more often than not they’re not they are thinking about themselves.
\(‾▿‾\) How someone treats you is not a reflection on you but rather how they feel about themselves so don’t take offense or let it get under your skin. Try taking the high road when someone is rude to you be understanding that you don’t know what they have going on in their life and compassionate and forgive them and be kind anyway.
\(‾▿‾\) We are all struggling with our own shit, put yourself in the other persons shoes before passing judgment or getting upset and realize that we have no idea what could be affecting another person to make them act the way they do. Compassion – it is contagious give it a try and let the positive energy start with you. You can change a person’s life without ever knowing it by showing kindness in the smallest way. Think the butterfly effect.
\(‾▿‾\) No matter if you’re right or wrong if you feel a certain way that is your choice and right but so is it every other person’s right to feel however they feel. It is okay for us not to agree and we can learn from looking through another person’s eyes at any-and-everything in life if we are willing. Live and let live, treat others as you would like to be treated, show rather than tell and be humble.
\(‾▿‾\) Failure is a choice. You can’t fail if you keep trying. Without mistakes how would we learn and grow? Fall down seven times, get up eight and you are succeeding and getting better as you go.

the thought life

This book was my saving grace and changed my life and my way of thinking so drastically and I am better for it. So I’m sharing it with you so that, while it might not be as instantaneously impacting as it was for me, you can see the way I have changed my thinking so that I am happy no matter what is going on in my life or where I’m at. It is a choice – and a pain in the butt sometimes to choose to do – to choose happiness and reframe my thinking and it took a few weeks of continuous conscious effort to stop the negative thoughts that seemed to come so naturally and having to be honest with myself wasn’t a walk in the park either. But it is worth it on the other side. I’ve always poo-pooed self help books as schemes to make a buck off of our insecurities and maybe some are but most all of them have a positive message and ideas that can help or inspire us in one way or another so let them have their buck for writing down what we should already know and be doing, it is mutually beneficial. The book that follows is not making a cent off you or me or anyone for that matter, it is not copyrighted and available free to the public (you can find it for purchase too in audio and print but its a public-domain book so you can find it for free *see links after book*). It is pretty simple and repetitive but the ideas within can open up a whole new world for you if you want them to. I’ll also add the audio version somewhere in here because that is how I first “read” it, with my ears and pen to paper scribbling notes like a madwoman, and all in one sitting (and then again, and later again still and somewhere in there I’ve read it a couple times over) and wham bam thank you ma’am I’m still right where I was but I enjoy and am happy. My stoic best friend doesn’t agree with thinking your way out of poverty and she’s right that sounds unthinkable! Yeah that was sooo cornily on purpose, sue me (can’t squeeze a turnip!!). Okay I’m done. Anyway she is the smartest lady I’ve ever known, and I’ve known some really smart people so she is impressive, but she’s wrong on this one (loves you my errant muse!!) and I’m gonna prove it – just give me a couple years! Really though she is correct that you can’t JUST think positively and get anywhere but that is where this system of thinking and ACTION works. It is about thinking positively and accepting things as they are and improving upon them by turning those positive thoughts into actions that bring about better outcomes. You catch more flies with honey (shit may attract more but honey keeps em stuck) than vinegar, right?

Okay let me stop rambling and without further adieu As a Man Thinketh written by the genius philosophical mind of James Allen. (I made it pretty!)

Ŧ๏гєฬคг๔
Cԋαρƚҽɾ 1: Tԋσυɠԋƚ αɳԃ Cԋαɾαƈƚҽɾ
𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 2 : 𝒆𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒄𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒐𝒏 𝒄𝒊𝒓𝒄𝒖𝒎𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒔
Cԋαρƚҽɾ 3 : ҽϝϝҽƈƚ σϝ ƚԋσυɠԋƚ σɳ ԋҽαʅƚԋ αɳԃ ƚԋҽ Ⴆσԃყ
𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 4 : 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒑𝒖𝒓𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒆
Cԋαρƚҽɾ 5 : ƚԋҽ ƚԋσυɠԋƚ-ϝαƈƚσɾ ιɳ αƈԋιҽʋҽɱҽɳƚ
𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 6 : 𝓥𝓲𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓘𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓵𝓼
Cԋαρƚҽɾ 7 : Sҽɾҽɳιƚყ
(っ◔◡◔)っ ↫↫↫↫↫𝙵𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 by 𝙹𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝙰𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚘𝚠𝚗𝚕𝚘𝚊𝚍 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝙻𝚒𝚋𝚛𝚒𝚅𝚘𝚡’𝚜 𝚎𝚡𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚙𝚞𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚌-𝚍𝚘𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚕𝚒𝚋𝚛𝚊𝚛𝚢.. ↬↬↬↬↬

The James Allen Free Library

The James Allen Free Library aspires to make all the works of inspirational writer James Allen (1864-1912) available online, to anyone, for free, in both English and Dutch.

0.8 – the 5 indecent behaviors of a junkie

My addict behaviors (also the top 5 expected): lying, manipulation, criminality, blame shifting, and verbal abuse.

I’m a pretty honest person. Hot damn! that is a lie. Definitely not where my addiction is concerned. Every time I use I have to make and take texts or phone calls that I will need to sanitize from my phone (making me a hypocrite because I expect my boyfriend not to do just that) after the deal is completed. My whereabouts for the lost time spent scoring are also a lie or usually a well-timed execution so that no one noticed my absence and thus I omit. Then every time I actually consume the drug, if I don’t wait until I am home alone, I make up some excuse or another for going to the store so I can use in my car down the block. Back when I shot up I could just go into the restroom of anywhere and do my thing. Smoking is a pain because, while my boyfriend disagrees, I believe meth has a smell and heroin for sure did, it creates smoke and pipes or sheets of foil are not easy to quickly hide inconspicuously. Every time I’ve attempted to hide either I have been caught red-handed. The boyfriend finding my rigs (needles) after going through my purse was the only way I got caught on that front. I am NOT promoting the use of needles – I wish I NEVER had and NEVER will again (I may relapse but am NOT going back to that insane method of drug use – I should have died so many times) and am beyond lucky to be alive after having done so. I am a liar, not to you, I’m honest with you and that is one of the difficult things about blogging my sobriety including my fuck ups because even though I don’t know you it is humiliating. I don’t actively lie in my sobriety I just omit certain things that I wouldn’t appreciate the boyfriend doing to me that I am doing (yeah I see the hypocrisy and the asshole I am) like messaging with a sober friend (who is male and therein lies the problem). See I know I am not doing anything wrong but I’m not doing something right. I just appreciate the support and attention! yeah. Alex and I have an agreement that we don’t participate in any form of relationship (friendship included) with members of the opposite sex because there is no good reason why we would need validation or attention from someone that is not the two of us. Its flawed thinking but it is a respect thing that we agree on. Thankfully he doesn’t do social media and I’m a super sleuth of all things cell phone so I am unworried, he got caught when he tried to step outside the terms and has been on good behavior since. Oh yeah we were talking about ME the liar. Other than that facebook contact and the occasional check-in by old friends on facebook I don’t hide anything else. Oh but back to being high I also have to pretend to be sober, rarely do I believe I fool Alex and probably Joke’s on me! thinking I’m fooling anybody else. Lying is painful though it rots a pit in your gut and the only way to cure that is through the agony of admitting the truth! I’ve done so though. After I got sober for my decent length of sobriety before the October relapse I admitted all my wrongs and lies to Alex. This guy is awesome-sauce staying with me after I admitted to pawning all his valuable jewelry among a bevy of other trespasses and lies. What a freaking guy!
Before moving onto my manipulation I thought I’d address the big purple elephant bouncing in the corner: I realize that by my not being honest in my relationship I am creating the mistrust I hate. If I can keep him in the dark then of course he’s probably got some shadow over me and even if that is not the case that is what I do believe. I feel kind of indifferent about it because he did who-knows-what with that female I caught him talking inappropriately to. I’m still so hurt by that that I’ll blame shift all day long! But yeah I see the cycle and don’t like that I am perpetuating it. Not proud of any of my pettiness.

I can bullshit my way through most situations high or sober, I am a bullshitter – it is a family trait passed down on my father’s side and it hasn’t skipped a generation or child in our family yet! Which yes I understand entails lying but it is smooth wordplay and if done right everyone walks away feeling like a winner. My bullshitting ways took a drug addled left turn to become manipulation right before my very eyes. I didn’t even realize I was doing it but I usually get what I want so the change wasn’t apparent. And then I did something I am super ashamed of but can never make unhappen – I threatened to commit suicide if Alex didn’t stay home from work with me. Ugh. Blah. Spit. Then I started seeing how I was playing on many people’s emotions and kindness to keep getting what I wanted when I wanted it. Alex got the worst of it. I was the master of guilt and could make a person feel bad for doing something good. My “friends” (other addicts) tried and failed to manipulate me while I was pulling their strings. And I felt what I was doing was okay! Now I get that it is abusive to manipulate someone and sometimes have to work hard not to – I did it for more than two weeks so it because a habit. The lawyer I used that screwed me over told me that I should be Trump’s spokeswoman because I could give Sarah Sanders (his actual spokeswomen) a run for her money in spinning truths. I base every exaggeration, lie, or spun truth on the truth because outright lying is too hard to keep straight. I am proud of my powers of persuasion!

A criminal? Who me? Never! and she lies again (just a joke I’m honest with you!). So I’m over thirty and have a nearly clean record. I’d gotten a possession of paraphernalia (I spelled that letter-twister right the first time!) for marijuana charge right after I turned 18 and a MIP Minor in Possession charge at 19 (alcohol). What a rebel I was! Yeah, not really but I did get away with a lot more I could have been in trouble for. Then, however, I got homeless. In order to get drugs, we would boost stuff that Mick (my dealer) wanted to pay for them so that got me started shoplifting. I really liked shoplifting; it made a lot more sense to me to just take what I wanted rather than pay for it. I liked it so much so that when I finally had money and started buying things again I had a hard time. I still could steal a lot of what I buy but I don’t have that meth-confidence that gave me the gumption to walk out the door without paying. I mostly stole gifts for my girls and jewelry – they have since taken the jewelry completely out of the Fred Meyer I would shoplift the fashion jewelry from. I’d forgotten about how I got started stealing until I remembered, mere moments ago, what I shared with you. Around the same time as the boosting for drugs campaign while I was homeless I stepped up my unlawful game and stepped into the world of prostitution. For about two weeks I sold myself through sex or a blow job more often than not. It is a surreal endeavor that I do not recall much of. I had a couple regulars, well men who wanted to be my regulars if I’d continued, who paid me very well. My excuse was that I had never enjoyed sex (true story save for 2 occasions) and had been having it for free for years so why not get paid for my displeasure. I carried bags and a backpack so I looked like some high school kid strolling down the street at ungodly hours. I don’t think the police were trying to stop the prostitution as it was an area known for it and I didn’t get stopped once. I found it weird, also, that I just wore regular clothes (and I don’t dress at all slutty quite the opposite) and had a three car back up at one point. Not proud, not ashamed, leaving my unsettling choices there in the past where they belong.

I wasn’t a big blame shifter but I did do my fair share during the custody cases. Trust you me it was not that I was on drugs and not willing to go to rehab that it all blew up in my face nope nosiree, it actually wasn’t they didn’t base it off of that but it definitely wouldn’t have hurt. The courts went off of a few stories Grayson made up to scare my family into being on his side but weren’t in any way true and the other lies he told throughout the court proceedings. I didn’t help my case by continuing to use though and know I allowed for his lies to be seen as possible with my action or inaction or both. I’ve accepted most everything and do take responsibility for my use but there are some things I’ll never agree with. And I take and took the blame for where I am at in life and know it is my decisions that have gotten me here. I’m pretty happy here, now, so I’m going to stay that way by not delving too deep into this blame shifting business,

Last but definitely not my least is verbal abuse. Get me high and give a cell phone with the ability to text as much as I want as many times as I want and numbers for the people guilty of getting involved in my life unasked and taking my kids from me. I can twist words into knives and convince a person to stab themselves with them. I’m a much better manipulator when I’m not on the spot and can edit my commentary. Words are my most powerful weapon and I utilized this during my addiction. I was superior and knew more than anyone else or could at least make it sound like I did. Alex had to deal with a lot of verbal abuse spewed at him at all hours and with no regard to him working hard every day to keep us going. I was an awful jackass to him for a bit while I was getting high. I can honestly say that I was a piece of crap as an addict for a period as most of these things were overlapping on my timeline.

“Don’t be defined by your past. It was a lesson, not a life sentence.”

Unknown

dopefiend Out!

0.1 – graSping @straws

My life is so great but for my hamartia of addiction consistently making a mess of everything. I may say that I can pull life off high and if my mother had never seen my track marks that none of the shitty stuff would have happened but it would have caught up to me eventually. Likely not in such a wholly destructive way but it could have possibly been worse (don’t know how but trying to move past blaming and try taking responsibility).

Today I slept.
I called in to work and to treatment and spent the entire day with wonderful dreams and no worries.
I’m hoping that giving myself a full day to let my body and mind recuperate from this latest relapse will stave off being half-dead for weeks. Probably not but I do feel refreshed and sober right now so we shall see.

I’ve been doing research on my mental health disorders as well as the effects of methamphetamine addiction. One aspect and downfall of both my schizophrenia and addiction is anhedonia and this is a huge part of why I relapse, I sincerely lose pleasure in seemingly every part of my life and want enjoyment back. I have both social and physical (especially sexual) anhedonia. I know that my drug use and schizophrenia are the cause of this but is also exacerbated by the anti-psychotics I take. Prior to getting treated for my schizophrenic aspect of my mental health disorder I could at least enjoy sex and orgasm, even after getting sober before, but now I’m realizing that my lack of feeling in my nether regions and pleasure from sex coincided with starting the medication regime I am currently on. Hopefully now that I know I will be able to address this with my psychiatrist and find a fix. I know that methamphetamine use brings back all of my pleasure in all areas and thus I’m prone to relapse to get these feelings back. I enjoy life when I’m high and may have caused myself a life of lacking. I can really relate to and am scared by the article I linked to there. My anhedonia possibly being caused by both of my comorbid disorders (methamphetamine abuse and schizoaffective [schizophrenia and bipolar 1/mania] disorders) is discouraging and with the simple fix of using again really dampens my resolve to stay sober. I am brilliant at finding reasons to get high though so I’m not going to use this as an excuse, instead I’m trying to accept the repercussions of my choices and look for a healthy way to fix the issue.

I welcome ideas in regaining pleasure and similar experiences in the comments.

This has helped me to understand why the motivation of bettering my life to get my children back hasn’t been enough to keep me sober. I was starting to believe I’m just a shitty mom and don’t love my girls enough but I knew that wasn’t true. Being a mom was my life and I was happy and fulfilled before methamphetamine so now I need to figure out keeping my focus on getting back to that mentality without using. Did I destroy my ability to do so, though? The possibility of that being a fact is a sucker punch to my psyche.

Being completely forthcoming I am currently planning my next relapse in my head already but am fighting to shut down that urge to want that next high. I want there to be no next high and I want to want there to be no next high. What a conundrum.

ready…. set….

My life is a semi-pretty mess right now and in the past 3 years I’ve experienced some of the hardest trials I’ve had to face in life but I will keep surviving if for no other reason than: I am frikkin awesome!!

Through every hardship I knew for sure that I had three people who would love me no matter what and that made everything worth it. The unconditional love for and also from my girls is incredible and unequivocal, and then there is my love for me that only has a couple conditions haha no seriously: 1. be honest with myself always and 2. no self pity. I’m my own best friend which is lucky since I’m my only friend as well. I really believe that society would be a lot more pleasant if we all took our negativity and revamped it into opportunities for self love.

I’m at that point in my life where I fully accept me for who I am and I don’t try to be anything I’m not. I think that my early thirties have been really empowering for my psyche and my self esteem and confidence are well above where they probably should be with my position in life currently. It feels really good though and I want to share my happiness with everyone so they can hopefully experience the self assurance and acceptance with living life on life’s terms like I have found.

One thing that bothers me is when someone tells you all about how great they feel but don’t give any advice on how I could feel that way too. I believe they’re scared their mojo will run out if they go around sharing! Really that is probably a weird hang up I have and am projecting because I used to always want to have things that other people had but without doing the work to get it.

When I first typed that paragraph a few days ago I corrected myself in *PAUSE*

this is what I said: “freestyle thought mode” (isn’t that just adorable)
even better I quickly took off the tip of my tongue: “stream of consciousness” and felt super awesomely nerdy for being proud of the quickness with which it I activated my powers of vocabulary!

I made that a little weird huh? A smidge maybe? At this point you’re starting to question how long this took me to set up to try and be cool?
Yeah I would be too.
I did mention just moments ago that I typed the previous paragraph days ago too. What kind of weird back to the future shenanigans are these?

So go to that single line above the two paragraphs above this sentence and read it. Yeah, definitely, reread that too.
I reread the whole middle part.

but now that I keep coming back to it it seems like a bad after school special. If I lost you that is understandable as I’ve explained nothing and too much at the same time. Up to speed? You’re going to get irritated in a hurry.
I was referring to the previous paragraph and what I did, that I had taught myself to do, and when I did it there, it was not consciously done, so I did it out of habit! I suck at developing habits because that means you have to do something consistently for two weeks straight and

No matter if no one ever reads this I am loving writing around myself! Everyone should try it. You’re right though I still have not explained the paragraph previous to the sentence two paragraphs above that is

What I did was, well now it’s really campy feeling… boo. I

“One thing that bothers me is when someone tells you all about how great they feel but don’t give any advice on how I could feel that way too. I believe they’re scared their mojo will run out if they go around sharing! Really that is probably a weird hang up I have and am projecting because I used to always want to have things that other people had but without doing the work to get it.”

Me (I have a valley-girl voice, Clueless Alicia Silverstone… in my head reading this)

To help me learn to love myself more and keep a more positive outlook in life I started to call myself out on my own bullshit so when I lie, or if I’m copping out due to insecurities, in the moment, when they occur (weirdly grammared [it should be] sentence so I added redundancy). I’ve been doing this brutal honesty thing in my writing and in every day conversations which surprisingly hasn’t gotten weird yet, for me at least, but I’m really socially awkward and I’m always getting puzzling send offs at the end of conversations, even before. Don’t quit now I swear there is a great takeaway that you probably can figure out on your own through life and shit, you’re right, but I’ll still be here typingggg

Somehow that depicts my voice fading as you walk away. The End.

Would I leave ya like that, really?
Turn the page, it needed dramatic flair
and I just learned I can make a new page.