reblog: I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr

I grieve for my Madness Now it’s so calm and still Everything’s so dull compared to When I was ill…

I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar levant

I was diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar 1, combined creating my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I have used drugs to self medicate when I was not fully diagnosed and unable to continue getting the medications I had been on for years. The last time I got sober I had a few psychotic episodes that ended me up in a psychiatric ward for a couple weeks once and a months time the next. Then I got started on a hefty dose of medications. Emma’s poem puts into words perfectly what I’m struggling with staying on my medication and in sobriety. Life is different and my personality is very neutral, I lose my emotions and it takes enormous effort to feel for, toward, about anything. I’ve been told that maybe I should reduce my medications but they’re set to keep my symptoms at bay and less creates more symptoms. I honestly don’t mind most of them, enjoy some even, but I become misunderstood and too much for the people close to me. So I take my medications.
When I use I don’t take my medications. Methamphetamine calms the chaos and keeps me centered. It is like being on medication but still having energy, light, feelings, being.
I can’t and don’t want to keep using though so I have to figure out how to overcome the downer of being medicated in a healthy way. I’m still trying to figure that one out.
This poem describes a big part of my struggle.

I grieve for my madness
Now it’s so calm and still
Everything’s so dull compared to 
When I was ill
I saw vibrant colours 
Each subtle shade of green 
Took my crazy breath away 
In a psychedelic dream
I could love a man so deeply
I wouldn’t let him rest
I tried to melt right into him 
To climb inside his chest
I was never bored
It never stopped at all
My head was a pinball machine 
My thoughts the silver balls
I wrote ten million words, I cried ten million tears
I rode the rollercoaster, for thirty manic years
But that overwhelming beauty
In the forest and the town
Turned to Earthly terror
On the turn around
And the men I had all left me
They didn’t want that love
I was “too intense” 
And they could never be enough
And it had to end sometime
You can’t go on like that..
It just seems a little boring
It just feels a little flat
So I’ll mourn my insanity 
But I will let it go
And embrace reality
Although it’s rather slow

Emma scarr, I grieve for my madness

It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.

Philip K. Dick , Valis

4 thoughts on “reblog: I Grieve For My Madness — Emma Scarr

  1. Having to suppress who you are in order to live in the world must be really difficult, I know I’d be hugely resentful about that. I am seriously impressed that you have got this far, many have not.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks a million!!
      It is soooo difficult and it makes it even harder to stay clean when that helps stabilize me and gives me energy. I know there are a lot of negative aspects to using, though, and I’m focusing on those when I want to pick up. That blog I did while I was high is really helpful to revisit.
      I’m not really resentful, I don’t have feelings much.


  2. Some of us are more chemically imbalanced (severe mental illness) than others, thus we have to work a little harder than the rest. The treatment of mental illness has come a LONG way in just a decade. I remember back in 2007, mental illness and addiction were treated differently, not together as they are today. Aren’t the both mental disorders in the first place? The point is you MUST treat your mental illness ALONG SIDE your addiction. If you don’t treat BOTH, one will pull you down and make the other that much more worse.

    The hard part is a certain medication(s) take time; our bodies take time to adjust to the medication(s). Medications, espeially those in mental health, are always hit and miss. Take two people who have the same diagnosis. Both take the same meds. It may work for both, just one or neither of you. The point is make sure you are in constant contact with a mental health professional and DON’T QUESTION them. However, ALWAY be HONEST about what is going on with your medications: it’s working, ir’s not working, I don’t feel right, I don’t feel a change, etc. As with all medical professionals, the more honest you are about what is really going on the better equipped they are to help you; if you’re honest aBout what is going on the doctor doesn’t have to guess. It may take a coupe days, weeks or even months before you are stable. You may be switched from one to another ten other meds for various reasons. You have to trust your medical professional(s).

    My addictive thinking, “I want what I want, when I want it, I would do anything to get it, I didn’t care who was in my way and I wanted it two weeks ago!” <—– sound familiar? Life doesn't work that way. We tried and failed miserably. Isn't that how we got to where we are today? All the alcohol and drugs were a quick fix. I used to "make my problems go away". Did they? Nope – they were still there after all that stuff I put in my body wore off. The drugs gave me the ILLUSION everything was okay.

    For instance, you said you took meth to calm the chaos, right? What happened when it wore off – did the chaos stay away? In my experience no. Even when we get sober/clean we are still insane – doing the same thing over and over expecting the same results. We may not be doing our drug of choice, however we still THINK that way. Our own THINKING and BEHAVIOR needs to change; changing those thing we have lived with for so long is not going to change overnight. It's a new way of life being sober/clean. We have to find others who live the same new life and learn from them how to live. We tried to do this alone – did it work out? For me, no – it NEVER worked out when I tried to do it alone.

    As usual, I'm going on a soapbox because I've been in your shoes. It may seem impossible right now. It's not – there are hundreds of us as living proof. You may be"dull and boring" but maybe, just maybe, this is where you are suppose to be, at least right now? The chaos has subsided, without illicit drugs, perhaps just a little or perhaps altogether, right? The way I think of it, we're re-writing our lives from this moment forward. You have a blank page in front of you. Though you may not know how to live sober/clean, who do you want to be? A stable, healthy, productive, understood human being? It doesn't happen overnight; it happens over time if we put work into it. On that note, am I perfect, no. We all have faults, we all make mistakes, we all fall on our ass once and a while. What we have to do is get up, brush the dust off and say, "Okay, that was a lesson I need to remember and not do THAT again." Anyone can do this, not alone, but with help.

    Keep the chin up and face forward – you can do this!
    The Rambler

    P.S I love the poem. I see where you can relate. I can even relate. It's awesome :)P

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is so true. I work with my medications doc closely and we have changed stuff too many times to count and it was making things worse to keep switching. I like this regimen except the sleeping part when I get back on track with them after relapsing. They make me zombie like but all the antipsychotics have done so, so I decided this one was the best that I’d tried. I think I need to get back into therapy and get honest, too. Before I was so zombified I couldn’t think of things to talk about.
      My addictive thinking was that way for drugs but I avoided docs and therapy. I’m trying to refer to my addiction in the past tense, I think it’s helping my thinking 🙂
      Again thanks for all your comments, they are really helpful.

      Liked by 1 person

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