δαλs 2 αηδ 3 – ραss τнιs sнαℓℓ

Forcing myself to spend time awake and involved in my day.
My body craving sleep and pulling me toward hibernation.
I fight it.
Day 2 I felt fine for most, worked an extra 3 hours and only fell out toward the end. Just my friendly coworker noticed and brought me back to focus without consequence. Thankful. Grateful. Stayed awake the rest of the day hit NA and fought with my internet. Finally giving in to the desperate hold of sleep when Alex pulled me in for a hug that I kept embracing until morning rung.
Day 3 only a 3 hour workday (they asked for extra, I couldn’t give) sick to my stomach, just an ache that wouldn’t amount to releasing anything but threatened insistently. My head burst intermittently when I moved just so, and just so was not consistent to any one movement it was just so. Boss bought breakfast thought I wouldn’t, then I did and so worth it. I hadn’t eaten in days probably a big cause of my haze. Thankful. Grateful. Full. Got home and gave in, let sleep win. Overcome with comfortable ease of nothing I didn’t make NA, skipped treatment too, called in and said I had the flu. Fever! don’t make us sick, yeah I’m not slick she knew I wasn’t. Got my ass up to go see my girl sing in her school choir performance. Spent the whole time searching the sea of young little faces and none belonged to me. Listened and waited and left with confusion, tried her dad’s phone to no resolution. Later she called and we figured it out – she’d been standing too low for my shortness to account. Moral being that I’m glad I’m kicking my own ass out of hibernation and not letting life just pass. Cause even though we didn’t see one another she was just overjoyed that I’d been there to support her. These moments we can’t get back and of which I’ve missed too many.
I’m interrupting this cycle and taking away my excuses, its taking real effort and not even about using. I only have a tiny smidge of craving that gets stamped out with thoughts I’m reframing. None of this is meant to be a complaint or a whine – just putting my experience out there so anyone in need can see it is hard as hell but we can be set free.

pɐʎ 1 – gOOdbYe yesterdAy

Today is the day
To make a change
To take a chance
To leap with faith
To keep my mind safe
To ask for help
To task my.self
Allay all doubt today

They said it works.
I read it works.
I tried my way.
They provide my way.

Nothing to lose
Unless I choose
Again to use
And induce self-abuse

the feLLowship [A.A.]
welcomed me back with
open arms
NbS [N.A.]
welcomed me in with
open hearts


It always seems impossibLe
until its done.


time Takes time

Situation
That
Opposes
Positivity

I’m doing recovery for keeps NOW.
Will I stay clean?
According to them [N.A./A.A. people] so long as I’m working my program I will succeed
Almost finished with my step 1

So thankful for the welcoming fellowship in both of the programs [N.A./A.A.] and I am greatly enjoying meetings.

when aLL eLse faiLs
foLLow directions

Changes:
Attending NA & AA daily if work allows
Actively searching for a sponsor
[the woman I asked today has all the sponsees she can handle but said I can call anytime]
Working the steps and doing the work with N.A. Step Working Guides

Failure is only real if you give up.

my errant muse

Writing ideas: in 1 paragraph, if a stubbed little toe could tell the rest of your body what it was feeling what would it say?If you only had 1 sentence to speak to your 8 year old self what would it be?If you had to make up 1 reason to hate dolphins what would it be?Really short writing can take your brain into weird places you’d never have got to without it, but if you end up penning a best seller can I get my name in the credits?

Jake, the stubbed little toe, wants to convey his sincerest confusion as to how, with the protection of the entire foot and the buffer of his four neighboring piggies, the “large-headed brain” managed to make contact with the stair, through what must have been a very awkward movement, in such a way that caused him to receive the entire wallop himself with no one else even jostled.

Jake had this to say, “I feel targeted. I don’t know what I did to get on their radar! I can’t even fit in my side-toe crevice, I’m too swollen. Don’t look…look what they did to me, the madness! the horror!”

“Love yourself, you are a rad person, and learn from your mistakes, but make them, they give you character.”

And yes, of course, WHEN I pen that bestseller!

reLapse = end gaMe?

Maybe not this time.
Hell with the roll I’ve been on probably nothing to be worried about, right.
Eeeeehh wrong.
Of course I’m the chosen one and that means I’m bullet proof.

Which is the belief of every person that goes back out.
Not gonna happen to me. I KNOW what I’m doing.

I’m safe – I don’t use heroin anymore, I smoke meth.
No one OD’s smoking meth, you fall asleep before being able to.
I’m not shooting it when I relapse, THAT would be scary.

“If it is on the internet then it must be true,” Abraham Lincoln.

I got my information from what I’d been told by other users and my internet “research” but when I took another look without trying to get the answer I wanted to hear I found a much darker reality:

In 2017 over 10,000 overdose deaths occurred from the use of Psychostimulants (most common being methamphetamine) and while, yes many of these OD deaths also included an Opioid involvement, over 5,000 of the 10,000+ were caused solely by Psychostimulants.

I don’t know how to produce my drug of choice or my drug of second choice.
Even if I did I wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly what was in what I’d be picking up to use.

I play Russian Roulette with my sanity and mental acuity every time I take a hit.
And say I were to get a batch that amps my system up higher and faster than the “usual,” which I’ve experienced, I could cause my heart to explode.

Methamphetamine overdoses cause heart attacks, strokes and comas and frequently psychosis with or without the physical ailments.

I know this and I still convince myself that it wouldn’t happen to me.
Insanity.
Especially because it has happened to me, and I barely made it back.

We convince ourselves that the people who OD and/or die from drug abuse fucked up, it was their own fault, and we know better. But we’re still using, so apparently we don’t.


OD on Me.

oops… my bad

So my scariest overdose, yes there is more than one to choose from, during my stint using heroin I didn’t even experience. When you use heroin the idea is to get high right? You’re pushing yourself to the brink of overdose every time you shoot the poison into your veins.
I don’t care how attune you are to your use, how well you know your amounts, your tolerance, any measurement you use regularly could be your last if the chemicals react wrong that time.
For me I simply used too much of something stronger than I was used to.
It was the first time I was shooting up without the guy that had introduced me to this devil dance setting up my amount but I had his best friend doing the honors and we went with less than what my usual dose was. I was so excited for oblivion, I didn’t think twice before fully expending the entirety of my rig into my bloodstream.
Immediately I felt the warm embrace of my dark mistress and the intensity continued to rise until I lost the ability to speak, or move, my eyes wouldn’t stay open. I was free floating in the blackest of black engulfing whatever was left of my being, I’d lost all connection to my body and while I desperately wanted to find where it had gone the soothing blackness was lulling me deeper into the abyss. I felt an aching fear that I was lost and not in control of me, of where I was or was going. I have been blown (incredibly, intensely high where you have to keep hold of something inside of you to bring you back to reality eventually) out of my mind numerous times when I thought I’d lost my grip but this time there had not been anything to hold on to.

For what felt like an eternity I floated in the nothingness that the enticing blackness had become. I knew I needed to find my something to hold onto to get back. Back to.. my girls a snippet of what felt like thought and then nothing. No tether. “My girls” meant less and less to whatever processing I was clinging to. I felt nothing at all.
Almost fully succumbed to whatever total enmeshment that felt less and less when everything turned white and spun so fast if I’d had a stomach still I would have been sick for sure. I feel something with my being, almost like something slipping through my fingers. The enormity of emotions I experienced realizing I’d found my connection, my hold onto to get back intangible way back.
While I felt so close to what I was yearning for by instinct my thoughts and feelings swirled in some mush that felt muddied and indistinct.
I desperately wanted to make sense of the murky swirls and an overwhelming sense of dread overtook all of my focus.
Noise! Just realizing that it had been more than silent during my experience the incomprehensible moaning got faster, frantic. I was feeling the sound more than hearing it and the cloudy froth was in all of my senses.
As though I’d been snapped into place, a searing burn erupted in my lungs and I physically felt all my extremities go from numb to pins and needles in a wave. It was as though my whole body was experiencing the sensation of “waking up” like if my foot had fallen asleep. It was the best worst sensation to be able to be reconnected with my body but the pins and needles phenomenon intensifying in all the wrong places.
My lung was still inflamed and I felt like I had the worst heartburn bubbling up and roiling making bile sear my throat as I painfully swallowed gulps of air that intensified the burning in my chest. It was excruciating and uncomfortable but my eyes opening and seeing shapes and fuzz and knowing that I was real and whole again dulled my pain as my senses were flooded with circuitry.

Slowly I began to comprehend what was going on around me. My head lolled half in, half out of the passenger window of my car as the wind whipped by. The pain in my body was again numbed but this time it was because I was so cold, shaking, shivering, and soaking wet with ice cold water.
The car jerked and whipped my head and neck to have a view of the driver’s side of the, apparently speeding, Honda Civic. We hit another jaunt in the road and I found out I was not seat-belted in as flew forward in my seat coming to rest sideways on the floor.
“Oh shit, Lyric, you’re back!” Josh whooped as he jerked the car around the cul-de-sac pulling into Colby’s driveway. I didn’t have any recollection of having left the bedroom.

Come to find out I immediately slumped over and stopped breathing after I stopped being able to speak. Instead of calling an ambulance Colby and Josh carried my unconscious, not breathing body out to the car and propped me up against it. Then they proceeded to drench me with the hose in 30 degree weather. I .. don’t know, why. I think the idea was to shock my system into forcing me to breathe. The explanation as to why no ambulance was called and why I was hurdled off property was also never articulated.
After the hose down Josh says he thought I was breathing but he couldn’t totally tell and he had to take me away from the house so he loaded me into the passenger seat and hoped the wind in my face would help me…possibly breathe or come to? I don’t think Josh had a clue what he was going for but panic set in for him when I started turning a bluish white in the face. I think he probably disagreed with his earlier assessment that the hose had gotten me breathing again.
So that is why he was whipping my car around the neighborhood all jerkily – to try to jolt me awake or breathing or … pretty much he was expecting me to die and had no clue what to do.
I was cold and couldn’t shake the cobwebs from my brain.
“That might’ve been too much for me,” I chuckled at a mortified looking Josh.
“It was way stronger than we expected and when I went to stop you from doing the whole thing I was too late and you stopped breathing.”

I knew to always test the waters before doing the entire shot. I knew that. I just didn’t that time. I always made sure. Except that time I didn’t.

Yeah I know I was warning of methamphetamine overdoses and this was a heroin OD but I got vivid flash backs and had to share, I remember the experience like it just happened, clearer now it seems.
This was my worst overdose and I’d love to say that I got scared, I took better precaution (wouldn’t make a difference anyway), I quit or at least slowed down, but it may as well have not occurred with the way I did nothing to prevent it happening again.

Broke my bRain, goed iNsaNe
yet I still dabbLe in that methamphetamine…

“Jesus was calling me, telling me to rid myself of all things but me.”
“Did he say no clothes though … or was that maybe a little of your own interpretation?”
“You’re such an asshole.”
….
“It really made all sorts of sense in the moment.”
“So you started dropping stuff all the way at the other end and at random all along the way?”
“I don’t like to make things easy, do I?”

….to be continued…




0.twenty-three :: vocables

I want to write. My ideas don’t want to be written.
My synapses are missing their marks.
My brain is like a stubbed toe, pulsating life but producing nothing.

I have words though.
I’ve been writing lines of words starting with words starting with the letter “a” through the letter “z.” I made myself an “ABC Me” with some of my favorite words.
Wanna see?
No? Didn’t think so but you get to anyway!

I find it fun!!

And I made this which I’m actually very fond of:

This makes my heart super happy!

Because you were curious ;P
This is what I’ve been doing.

Abstract affirmations ability align asking arrived ample anxious acceptance
Bowling baffling bedside borderline bashful bastard being belated beard
Cantankerous corduroy careful clasp cheetah creature comfort calligraphy
Demonic dreadful delightful deafening durable doable different digestion
Effervescence elongated epitome effectual entertaining essential easier ear
Frightful figurine futuristic family fortune favors fearless forgiveness fate
Grandeur grateful gripping graduation griddle girlfriend gaze gimpy golfer
Hope history himself hearty hindering helpful hickory hideaway hipster hi
Igloo ignoramus innocent internet inferno icicle itchier illicit itinerary infer
Juice jewelry jack-o-lantern jeopardy journey jingle jumper jumble jiffy jig
Kitten kid kite knife karate kitchen ketchup kindly kipper kelp kill kindred
Lass lord label little lackadaisical limitless live love laugh learn listen lists
Maniac mazes mystery marker macaroni mildew motherly maternal may
Nickname naked never nearsighted nope noodle nutty nutrition nifty nose
Opportunity opponent officially optimistic over octopus optional ocean oh
Prayer pretend perfect picturesque palpable pretty partied parade pariah
Quit quilt quietly quiver questioning quality quarrel quickly quack quakes
Reason ransom restitution remember retaliate regular rapture recess raise
Seasonal simple saint sister sober situational syrup sugary sonar sixteenth
Truck total typical traitor tyranny tiger twisted twinning table torture tape
Unbelievable understanding uptown upside underneath udders usefulness
Victorious vain villain village vent variable virtuous vindictive very vital
Worthwhile wintry wearable whippersnapper waves willow wait wicked
Xylophone xenophobe x-ray xylophonist xenophobia xerox xeroxed xanax
Younger yipped yesteryear youthful youngster yellow yeti yonder yakisoba
Zodiac zippers zero zoom zap zit zebra zeroed zany zen zappy zonked zone

Recovery A to Z

Addiction
Boredom
Coffee
Drug-free
Effectual
Freedom
Gratitude
Help
Inpatient
Journey
Kindred
Life Lessons
Maturity
New
Opportunity
Progress
Quality
Recovery
Sobriety
Teachable
Unified
Vitality
Worthwhile
Xenial
Yes We Can
Zip-line to life

I’m a dork!
Much love.

Nudges of ideas for my brain to try to comprehend are welcomed in the comments. Stupid stubbed brain!

0.twenty-two :: after hours jams

Daily Reflection                                                                            May 22

          Step One

                 “We…” (the first word of the first step)
                                     TWELVE STEPS & TWELVE TRADITIONS PG. 21

When I was drinking all I could ever think about was “I, I, I” or “Me, Me, Me.”

Such painful obsession of self, such soul sickness, such spiritual selfishness bound me to the bottle for more than half my life.

The journey to find God and to do His will one day at a time began with the first word of the First Step …. “We.”

There was power in numbers, there was strength in numbers, there was safety in numbers, there was life in numbers.
If I had tried to recover alone I probably would have died.
With God and another alcoholic, I have divine purpose in my life… I have become a channel for God’s healing love.




– – – Angela – – –


…hate sharing first. Like sharing later but its so quiet….
I came alone, I stayed alone cause I didn’t reach out and didn’t want anyone reaching out for me… I didn’t know you.

When I came in it was just still me. So I got a sponsor who took me through the book.
I do my recovery, I’m real selfish and take my recovery personal.
The we part is coming to the rooms of alcoholics anonymous and here we are not alone. Step one : “Every natural extinct cries out … 12 steps” the bedrock on which purposeful lives can be built.
We part. Growth and freed me. Allowed me to be me.
I wasn’t that stern as I believed myself to be but I crumbled coming into the rooms.
On the streets I was alone.
Teddy bear I was came out.
Being able to transmit what I’ve been through. Didn’t do that by myself.
Made possible – its a we thing.
WE ADMITTED WE’RE POWERLESS!
Follow some simple directions.
Never made it to see the wizard.
Freedom. Patience. Peace of mind.
Guess I’m dorothy.





@Kevin

Together we stay sober .. alone we get drunk or high.
I have to have some me, we friends, hot and cold. Happy and sad. I’ve got to have it all.
If I’ve never been down I don’t know what it’s like to be up.
I know what it’s like to be down… poor me poor me buy me another drink.
But, now I can get out the water when I want to.

List of blessings…the good stuff.
A lesson or a blessing.
I gotta go through what I gotta go through to get where I need to go.

We do this together.
If you want to join me come on…
if you don’t I’m not gonna chase you.
Attraction not promotion.

IF you’re in the solution send a message of hope to the hopeless.


This disease makes you tell lies to yourself.
Locked up in your head, in your thoughts.
Don’t have to go to prison – locked in your thoughts.


Addiction will dance on your coffin.


Man called 2 am bout to kill himself and you can’t answer yo phone.

Put on the uniform but if you never get in the game you can score a touchdown.


I’m truly blessed. I’ve been truly overpaid if I were to die today.

I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna walk you through this. You need another individual who has walked down the path to walk you down that path. Somebody will take you down that path.

It is such a joy to humble yourself and be teachable.
Come here to learn how to stay sober
and carry that message on to the next alcoholic who is willing to listen.

Tried to outsmart the disease and now they’re dead.

I’m able to do what I want to do today because I’m sober.
Just stay sober one day one minute at a time.
Put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

We together stay sober. Get in the middle of the tribe. Get up front. Don’t wait. Its not coming to knock. Paid on your actions not on your intentions.

If I go out and use today it isn’t the program not working its because I decided not to use the program.

If I take a drink today there’s gonna be a yard sale tomorrow and half the shit aint gonna be mine.

Victim to the disease




&^Dan^&

i couldn’t do this alone and i tried so many times and don’t know how many times I failed.
Got to aa found out i couldn’t do this alone.
We, made sense.
I didn’t talk for a day or two or a year. 6.
Sometimes I just listen.
Read the stories and understand the Big Book.
We together solve each others problems or at least give suggestions.
We can survive another day of sobriety if WE want.

Write down what is going to make you use: Go and do it because it is going to happen. Have you found your yet, yet?
By being a group of ppl who understand each other. Ppl who haven’t been in addiction don’t understand.
I have been known to be wrong haha.

Gotta do the work and it’s free.






><Gerald><

We wasn’t never meant to be alone.

If in some way you come here and don’t see AA materializing in your life on a daily basis you’re doing something wrong.

Phobia of other ppls dogs. Coming at me all aggressive. Asked the Missus to put him up. She swore and called me an idiot. Didn’t respond didn’t escalate. Just left.

You get to see these little things.
If you’re not helping you’re hindering.
We is a group.
I come here to learn. To get through my day.

Can’t live yesterday over again. Can’t live tomorrow cause it never comes so I’ve got to live in here today.

Sometimes, somewhere in your life something gotta click.
I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can cut ya.

Stopping and starting day over again.

I have to live for me but have other people in my life.
I can’t walk a straight and narrow but I’m not Jesus, I make mistakes.

Keep my feet planted moving forward.
Hope to never go backward but have people in case yet happens.

Nip shit in the bud.

Aint fittin to hit you in the head with a bottle today, I’m going the other way.

Anger is a big part of I fell down. YOU MADE ME DO IT. Umm nope.
Excuses excuses excuses.

I woke up this morning but I didn’t do it myself.



A day late and I brought four quarters!
So just enough and in the nick of time…
…for today and all we’ve got is now
peace, love, happy thoughts, and good vibes
whimsicaL Lackadaisy