page 1 – tell / page 2 – show

Watching a new (new to me) show Crazy Ex Girlfriend and it is full of really poignant life lessons and introspective realizations while still being lighthearted and hilarious. I have a love-hate relationship with the main character and the story-line is my worst nightmare come true and biggest insecurity in my own relationship so it is a bit torturous but I am loving it. It is weirdly awesome to be rooting against the protagonist, the writer’s really do an amazing job. I’m happy to have a new show to binge on, I need the distraction from my own failings for the weekend.

Face it.

Might as well type out what I’m doing: I’m having a tug-of-war about in my head while I keep my fingers resting on the keyboard awaiting my indecision. I can keep deleting my admission and rewording it to make myself feel better, more justified – there is no justification but I’ve decided that I have stopped deleting so I can’t take back the… I don’t need any justification, there is none, I don’t want one, I screwed up. Yeah keep going whatever you think just type it.

Wow this is harder than I thought, I figured I’d be able to just stop thinking and win out that way but instead I’m causing a backup of words that I slowly type -lost it, I NEED to correct grammar and spelling but that will be my only excuse for delete. Ignoring the grammar there so I can move on.

Here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to thought-write. What I think I will type. I’m high. So that is why I’m trying to not allow myself to avoid admitting my relapse by (yep in my head I’m pausing my thoughts to pick the right ones, should do that more often) I want to delete the whole block and start anew. It wouldn’t be, I’m cheating and leaving out filler anyway; nope, just not listening to it, that is interesting. My thoughts are attacking and I am not allowing them through. We do control our thoughts if we choose to. And I can reread slowly and stop the train.

Now I’m repeating the words on the screen over and over so I can regroup.

Be real.

Eyes. Mine hurt. It is my own fault. I don’t feel good. Again my own fault. I think – if I can get this out and actually publish it/keep it…if I can be honest- I can come back to this and remind myself how it is every time I use, the shame and regret.

I already know some of the things I need to do differently that I am avoiding – delete Mick’s number (from all the places I’ve hidden it so I’d always have it somewhere if I deleted it…that one’s a ridiculous catch-22), throw out what I have left rather than finishing it (I ALWAYS finish what I get so maybe it’ll help to break that cycle, but will I? do I really want to? I do and I don’t.), man up and make the right choices (don’t allow myself excuses), get help, set a routine and stick by it, and keep being real about it because this is helping.

I feel like I’m going to seem full of shit about wanting to be clean if I admit my relapses, especially since I’m barely getting past 20 days on these first documented attempts, but that is just it isn’t it, some part of me must be. I am past the wanting to want it, I do want it, yesterday! I’m going to post this so that I will and then I’m going to write myself some reminders on my high brain even knowing this is not what I want.

A huge part of what keeps me sane is that I know I’m going to get past this. I am going to stay clean. There is an end to my suffering in sight and I can do it, I just need to keep at it with genuine intentions. I want change in my life. I’m scared as shit. Of what, I don’t know.


12 thoughts on “page 1 – tell / page 2 – show

  1. These are your true thoughts and feelings looking for answers of what happened and what you can do now. Who cares what other people think. You will find out more people will support your honesty, at least I did. We all want things in life but, in my opinoin, without sobriety we didn’t get far at all, just look at our pasts. One, make a committment to yourself (as it appears your 1/2 way there) – don’t use, remember where you are now and where you came from. You don’t have to be there again. Others had good suggestions – phone numbers, start fresh (save people who support and trust you), delete the rest. DON’T beat yourself up. Doing so, based on my experience, will keep you where you are at, you need to move forward. NO ONE IS PERFECT, otherwise you wouldn’t be where you are today. Perhaps there is a reason this happened. Right now, don’t worry about it. Concentrate on living. Do one thing at a time (even though I am sure you have 1000 voices talking to you in your head – I did at the beginning of both my sobrieties). Committ to yourself to do one thing for your sobriety a day, even if it not to drink or use for right now. Even the smallest accomplishments are some of the best reinforcements that we can do it!
    I hope that helps.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I greatly appreciate all the constructive criticism and new advice!
      Thought-writing is something I’ve done as a brainstorming tool so it was intense watching my raw ideas hit the page upon realization, especially knowing I’d be publishing these vulnerabilities. I free write and edit and publish all the time which I love but this was new.
      And no worries, I’m in good spirits not beating myself up. My post was meant to be brutal honesty with myself, it is a big part of my blog and program.
      Thanks for all the support.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s