rebLog: She Doesn’t Date — Emma Scarr ..I can relate-cdf

I am so impressed by the creative brilliance I stumbled upon and I want to share this incredible voice and artistry with you.


“She doesn’t date
Or look for a mate
She ducks romance
With a polite “No Thanks”
 
She’s learnt to avoid
The promise of joy
From nice looking men
She’ll not go there again
 
If one sends  a text
That boldly suggests
Meeting up for a beer
She steers well clear
 
She loves her home
Likes living alone
No emotional mess
Drama or stress
 
Yes, sometimes she’s weak
And remembers the treat
Of a cuddle and kiss
But she knows to resist
 
‘Cos when she falls she falls so deep
She cannot eat she cannot sleep
She will worry she’ll obsess
She’ll be a total fucking mess
Constantly she’ll want him near
Cling on to him with all her fear
Make him say he’ll never leave
Love him ‘til he cannot breathe
 
OH MY GOD HE HASN’T RUNG!!
WHY DOES HE HATE ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF TEST?
OH WHATEVER HE ASKS I’LL SAY “YES”
 
And when she gets into that place
It’s a long climb back to somewhere safe
And still the voices call her down
Back into the stinking ground
 
So she doesn’t date
Or look for a mate
She ducks  romance
With a polite “No Thanks””

Emma Scarr, She Doesn’t Date

I find this poem incredibly relatable and honest. The cadence in “She Doesn’t Date” gives it a bouncy upbeat quirkiness that complements the poem’s voice (speaks to the tone, diction, sound patterns and rhythm) which, I believe, embodies confidence and individuality.
This is exactly what I need to remember if/when I am single again. It takes a lot of self-awareness and confidence to be and stay single happily. The reasoning behind staying single in this poem is my downfall in relationships and identifying that is personal growth for me. Admitting it is also.
I hope you enjoy this and please click and visit Emma Scarr’s website (below, click “EMMA SCARR”) to support this amazing blogger. Make sure to like her poem’s post (also linked below, click “She Doesn’t Date – Emma Scarr”)

Emma Scarr

She doesn’t date Or look for a mate She ducks romance With a polite “No Thanks…”

She Doesn’t Date — Emma Scarr

page 1 – tell / page 2 – show

Watching a new (new to me) show Crazy Ex Girlfriend and it is full of really poignant life lessons and introspective realizations while still being lighthearted and hilarious. I have a love-hate relationship with the main character and the story-line is my worst nightmare come true and biggest insecurity in my own relationship so it is a bit torturous but I am loving it. It is weirdly awesome to be rooting against the protagonist, the writer’s really do an amazing job. I’m happy to have a new show to binge on, I need the distraction from my own failings for the weekend.

Face it.

Might as well type out what I’m doing: I’m having a tug-of-war about in my head while I keep my fingers resting on the keyboard awaiting my indecision. I can keep deleting my admission and rewording it to make myself feel better, more justified – there is no justification but I’ve decided that I have stopped deleting so I can’t take back the… I don’t need any justification, there is none, I don’t want one, I screwed up. Yeah keep going whatever you think just type it.

Wow this is harder than I thought, I figured I’d be able to just stop thinking and win out that way but instead I’m causing a backup of words that I slowly type -lost it, I NEED to correct grammar and spelling but that will be my only excuse for delete. Ignoring the grammar there so I can move on.

Here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to thought-write. What I think I will type. I’m high. So that is why I’m trying to not allow myself to avoid admitting my relapse by (yep in my head I’m pausing my thoughts to pick the right ones, should do that more often) I want to delete the whole block and start anew. It wouldn’t be, I’m cheating and leaving out filler anyway; nope, just not listening to it, that is interesting. My thoughts are attacking and I am not allowing them through. We do control our thoughts if we choose to. And I can reread slowly and stop the train.

Now I’m repeating the words on the screen over and over so I can regroup.

Be real.

Eyes. Mine hurt. It is my own fault. I don’t feel good. Again my own fault. I think – if I can get this out and actually publish it/keep it…if I can be honest- I can come back to this and remind myself how it is every time I use, the shame and regret.

I already know some of the things I need to do differently that I am avoiding – delete Mick’s number (from all the places I’ve hidden it so I’d always have it somewhere if I deleted it…that one’s a ridiculous catch-22), throw out what I have left rather than finishing it (I ALWAYS finish what I get so maybe it’ll help to break that cycle, but will I? do I really want to? I do and I don’t.), man up and make the right choices (don’t allow myself excuses), get help, set a routine and stick by it, and keep being real about it because this is helping.

I feel like I’m going to seem full of shit about wanting to be clean if I admit my relapses, especially since I’m barely getting past 20 days on these first documented attempts, but that is just it isn’t it, some part of me must be. I am past the wanting to want it, I do want it, yesterday! I’m going to post this so that I will and then I’m going to write myself some reminders on my high brain even knowing this is not what I want.

A huge part of what keeps me sane is that I know I’m going to get past this. I am going to stay clean. There is an end to my suffering in sight and I can do it, I just need to keep at it with genuine intentions. I want change in my life. I’m scared as shit. Of what, I don’t know.

PAGE 2

0.22 – doin’ my darnedest

effort: efficiency, fortitude, followthrough, overtness, resilience, takeaway.
city streets/buildings overhead view background
Sobriety takes concerted effort. To remain steadfast in your commitment to recovery you must be productive and effective in your sobriety. It is a lifestyle that takes perseverance and determination. You get your life back.

Efficiency is putting your best foot forward.
Fortitude is the courage to endure.
Followthrough is finishing the things you start.
Overtness is doing in an open and obvious way.
Resilience speaks to your strength of character.
The takeaway is what you get out of putting in the effort.

0.21 – BE now : aspire FOR tomorrow


Prepare for your my future?

 

    Lately, I have been planning (and failing to accomplish) small weekly goals and setting a task to achieve daily (blogging every day! I will get there) to feel myself progressing. While I have yet to reach any of my goals to their fulfillment making them has kept me motivated and constantly thinking creatively; the fact that I am continuing to pursue blogging is proof of that reserved determination. So, I figure, since I’m already so far ahead of the curve, I might as well get even more ambitious and set out a path – barebones rough outline to expand upon in time – to follow toward a my purpose. My logic is senseless and I do so enjoy it as such; it keeps my chaos a tad more organized.

     

   What got me on the idea of sketching out an outline of my way from here to there, there being my intention, my plan, my best outcome, is the topic above being asked of us at treatment today. I got on a roll and it got me amped! I’m also all over the place in regards to my timeline’s synchronicity so that will balance out as our ideas mature along the journey. So here is the synopsis of what I set out to Get ‘er done! in the next 10 years. Remember! it is my first draft of my second first draft:


=_= first time in my life that I am setting long term goals and I’m writing them down 2x now! was scared of goals because they meant effort and the ability to fail. now i’m excited to keep on trying until I thrive. and not stop there. =_+

 

Where do I see myself in 1 year.
  5 years. 10 years.? 


+In 1 month I get my court case dismissed after completing two years of probation so for the next thirty days no shenanigans for sure I want those charges disappeared!
+Over the next couple of months I’m going to be working my most workiest so that the company I’m temping for will hire me on full time (they’ve already brought it up as an idea – yeah they came to me so that rocked) or I’ll take part-time as an ACTUAL employee.wink
+Within 3 months I’d like to have earned 100 followers to this blog I be’s a writing AND get my car all up to snuff serviced to be on point for the next while.
**some ideas to get it so** 
–oil and filter change
–replace spark plugs
–replace any other filters and replenish fluids
–brakes done
–alignment aligned 
((ideas are welcome I know exactly ^that^ much about what I need to do to maintain my car))
+By my daughter’s 8th birthday in August, about 4 months away, I will have worked with an attorney to have gotten my visits on track with Hope. -hopefully it will be every other weekend by then-
+At 6 months I would like to have enough money saved up that I can feasibly put aside enough monthly to be in the position to live on my own. Not that I will but that I will be ABLE to.
+A year from now I plan to be petitioning the courts for more time with my daughters – an extra afterschool overnight per week or every other, I’m thinking.
+In 5 years time I will have both my girls full time again (as long as that is the choice they want still) and we’ll live in a one-story three bedroom home. The kids will share rooms with their respective sexes (if it’s still the 6 of us); the house will be big enough for comfort but cozy with affection. There is the likely possibility of a yard and one, or two, dogs. +Riley will be on her way out of the nest in just 6 years!+
+When I am 43 in TEN years I will have begun and succeeded in paying off my student loans and the credit card debt left to me from my exes. I will be debt free!


A few extras

  • In 5 years this – the hardships to endure in the aftermath of my addiction – will all be a distant memory.
  • Next few weeks ~ diet change :_: breakFast < protein shakes w.Collagen supplement / lunch < fruit smoothies w.Creatine and fat burner supplements / weaning off of NOS and adding in more water / dinner < meat size of my fist, two fistfulls of veggies, over rice
  • Over the following few months ~ eXercise regimen :_: one@ctivity every other day for 30 minutes ie. yoga, walking, jogging, swimming, etc.
  • As things continue to progress I want to eventually create my own website for my blog!
  • To get my “storagerooms cleared out I will take ONE box fill it with junk to get rid of or donate and do so ONCE a week until complete.


So tAdA!
I have more purpose.

“He who has a why to live for
can bear almost any how.”
friedrich nietzsche

0.19 – toxicity is in the air.

Eeeek!
8 days I have let lapse without an update anywhere.
My bad! Have faith I will get better the more sober I get.
I am still sober.
I feel like I’ve lost my creative thinking part of my brain. My brain feels a bit mushy the past week.
I almost picked up today. If it hadn’t been for overtime at work I might have. I’m struggling to feel awake and motivated. I do great at work but just in life outside of work I’m blah.

My boyfriend has been looking at porn chicks – not porn videos but the actual chicks and something about dating… 😦 – so I’m feeling not so awesome about my lack of ANY sex drive. I’m going to try my best to at least fake the funk and get intimate tonight. I still feel like he’s doing something treacherous and I’ve been sleeping while he’s been off doing whatever with his location turned off so I’m in the dark. Snooping only gets you so far when you’re trying to be as unsnoopy while snooping by just checking his accounts and not putting something on his phone to give me all the info. I’m trying to stay away from it all together but like quitting drugs its a process and I’m making good baby steps. I went all week without even checking ANYTHING so I wasn’t even doing that while I’ve been MIA!!

So I took a short interlude to chat with my Riley and my mister on the phone. Ri needed to do homework so it was a short and sweet conversation. Alex is sitting at the laundromat (he went after me which was weird but …. yeah) and we got to chatting about things. It came about that I felt sometimes that I am holding him back with my fucking up and still struggling with addiction self and that I feel selfish, sometimes, for not letting him go. Well I wasn’t looking for reassurance of him wanting to be with me, I was being honest and wanted to know his take. I no longer like that I did that. He feels that it would be healthier for us both if we split. DAMN IT! Let me be completely honest, I knew that was how he felt I just didn’t like the confirmation. We’ve been together three years and I want a lifetime with him but he’s been carrying me this entire time and I’ve just failed over and over. I suspect there may be someone else but that also might be me trying to make myself feel better that it isn’t ME when in fact it is me.
The last thing I can handle right now is a break up. I have no place to go and not enough money to live. I’d not be able to have Riley every weekend because I’d be living in my car… And I adore this man. Probably part of the issue is that I have always been more into him than he to me (except at the very beginning of this whirlwind) and I’ve not been shy about saying so or showing it. People need that intrigue factor and he’s kept up mine by being super evasive and never 100% committal. I feel like since he knew he had me he’s not wanted me but has been stuck with me. I’m a burden on him. And I still have to muster up some sexy-time desire tonight — fuck (no pun)!!
I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
I know he won’t kick me out and he’ll keep pretending for me for now, okay I think this because it has apparently been what he has been doing but he did just get honest about that so FREAKING OUT. He does love me but I think not in an in love with and want to spend life with and more in a pitiful feeling sorry for me way.

Another interlude.
Asked for clarification – I know how much more clear can he be – and he says that he wants to be with me but knows it’d be healthier if he pursued life as an individual to learn to be good with himself and grow that way. I call bullshit. He was doing just that when I met him and had been for a few years at least and he is very sure of himself. People can grow individually in a relationship and I said as much and he agreed and pretty much said he just needed to be able to do his alone time stuff without all the suspicion from me. He will sit in his car for hours and according to him listen to music and podcasts. I’ve done it with him and he fell asleep which he says is often the case. And he won’t stay parked in our parking area for our apartment he goes to Wal-Mart or various parking areas or he’ll say he’s eating at Subway right by this hotel and be there for over an hour. I’d think if he wanted to listen to his tunes or whatnot it would be just as feasible to do here and especially not in suspect places.
I’ve been worried he’s been picking up hookers since well he picked me up when I was one and his suspicious behavior since… always, I’m realizing this has been since we moved into our apartment in August 2016 after 3 months in hotels (where he was all about me and courting me and unsure of my feelings) that he gave me reason to question what he was doing. I do have to admit a lot of my “gut feelings” likely had to do with the methamphetamine coursing non-stop through my system for the first year but when I was sober before….then he got caught talking to another woman behind my back about admittedly inappropriate stuff….so maybe it was more reality cause it was him who made me feel like I was gone-crazy and that was why I had found stuff while snooping or heard things that I’d recorded. Okay stopping this rabbit hole that I’m starting to go down.
I’ll come back to that eventually but can’t handle too much reality and honesty right now.
Hopefully I will forget it and not concern myself with worrying over the patterns of behavior yet I should probably open my eyes a bit and quit pretending like he’s been so perfect and great to me. I love him, I do adore him, I just know that I’m no crazy person and the dots connect when I’m sober too.
So back to… oh right we had a conversation and he made it clear he hadn’t said he didn’t want to be with me now but the healthy aspect was a FACT. Oh well. I’m suddenly not so concerned with that. Other than believing that he has a person he is hiding in his life who is likely to be female more strongly, his statement is not news if I’m being honest with myself. Also he likes to throw around things like that when I’m starting to feel comfortable in our relationship and getting back on my feet. He did remind me that a couple years ago he was done but couldn’t just see me with nowhere to go and leave me like that. So there is that pity I was talking about.
Damn, I’m just continually getting off track now since I’m feeling emotionally flustered and upset. My bad!
We talked.
He got me to shower with him.
We got freaky.
And then he admits to the porn, kinda. I can legit see what he’s looked at and watched and he’s holding back some important info. Like the teen aspect. Um not cool. He even thinks a story line about a guy faking out chicks with an acting gig to get a “porn star” to fuck on camera is something real rather than a planned and acted out set up… so teens? Does he believe they’re not 18 (which yes, I know they are) cause that would be gross. He had some story for why he looked up the porn to begin with and it sounded like bullshit too.
Ugh.
Ugh.
ugh.
I’m wishing I had just stayed asleep and not opened my computer up today.
Life on life’s terms right?
And if I didn’t want to know what he’s actually up to I could just not look. Can’t really be upset when I don’t like what I see, as much as I wish I’d find something romantic planned for us I’m not an idiot, there is a reason I’m even taking the time to look.
Funny he has told me that “of course I will find something if I snoop” but that shouldn’t be the case. If he snooped my shit he’d find nothing that would make him wonder what I was doing.
Ai yai yai.
I really wanted to enjoy tonight but alas revelations have soured my stomach and made the amazing lovemaking we had shared tonight feel really hollow.
I want to slap myself and remind me that my focus needs to stay focused because this nonsense of his is what got me back on this path when I’d been doing so well to avoid the shit. I’m feeling the emotions this time and they’re uncomfortable and my brain won’t stop whirring with the worst scenarios.

Thanks for listening to me. I needed someone to just hear me, I think. I feel like I shutdown the roller coaster ride I started on pretty well and sharing it helped. So this blog may just do as I hoped in helping me to have an outlet to help me stay sober through stressful stuff and just life while feeling and figuring out my emotions.
I almost want to save this as a draft and retype my post but this is part of the process, for me anyway, being honest out loud about my life.
I think the emotional wave is ebbing cause I’m feeling quite sleepy now.
Off to peaceful sleep – putting positive thoughts in my head 😉

Namaste.

0.12-0.18 – I am still sober!!

Apologies for my lack of posting for yet another sleepy-time week. I have just been overwhelmed with the desire to sleep or lay here doing nothing.
So that is a huge issue to overcome – I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to do ANYTHING!
I barely did Easter. We had to put off decorating eggs until next week because they would be rotten by the time we went to hide them on Sunday (we boiled em Friday and then googled it before we started the decorating process) when my youngest will be here to celebrate. I made a basket for my mini me (Riley, 12) and got her some new flavored peeps which she was super excited, especially because she thought we’d only be celebrating next weekend.
We spent the rest of Sunday watching Forensic Files and chatting about everything while she chatted with her besties online and drew some of her awesome characters she creates for her role playing she does with her friends. They are a creative little bunch and can do this role playing (making up stories with their characters) for hours!!
So as expected my motivation is gone to do anything. I haven’t been able to open my laptop for 8 whole darn days because of it. I think about doing it and it sounds like a WHOLE LOT of effort and my brain is pretty hazy right now so my imagination and idea machine is kind of shut down.
I really want to one day soon reach and continue my goal of blogging everyday. I think I need to just blog SOMETHING. I know I want to walk everyone through my getting sober process too so maybe it could help another addict going through it as well so I need to do better.
I will. I’m feeling better today. I even did laundry. I was out of clothes and about to start pulling stuff to wear out of the hamper — EWWW! I didn’t! I got it done. But doing that motivated me to get on here.
Hang in there with me guys I’m getting the hang of both blogging and sobriety (again). I’ll get even better with time 🙂

Until we meet again.


“I have a perfect body, cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.”

Regina Spektor, Folding Chairs


DR – April 12, 2019 — The Wandering Enigma

Daily Recovery ReadingsApril 12, 2019 Daily Reflection GIVING UP INSANITY “. . . where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane.” — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 38 Alcoholism required me to drink, whether I wanted to or not. Insanity dominated my life and was the essence of my disease. It robbed me of the […]

DR – April 12, 2019 — The Wandering Enigma

Inspired to share by:

DailyReflections : giving up insanity

The Language of Letting Go – CoDependency : letting go of fear

Great reads!