day 24 – kinda sorta maybe

My brain already went out to LackadaisicalWhimsy about an hour ago and I enjoyed typing that up.
And that is pretty much all there is to my Sunday.
I’m still in my sleepwear.
Have since applied jeans to my legs.

12 sTeP AcroNYMS

  • GOD : Good Orderly Direction :: Following the guidance of your Higher Power
  • EGO : Edging God Out :: Trying to do things MY way and needing to do God’s will
  • FEAR : False Evidence Appearing Real :: Fear is an illusion and not real
  • KISS : Keep It Simple, Stupid :: Work smarter not harder
  • HOPE : Hearing Other People’s Experiences :: Feeling not alone. Listening is an art.
  • FINE : Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional :: You read my mind

i’M hAVING aNXIETY oVER mY nEW aNXIETY



A weird feeling: It is never enough but always too much.
Constantly feeling unsatisfied.
It isn’t how I feel usually but am experiencing some anxiety from it right now.
Constantly isn’t the correct word because while it is a constant on my nerves at this moment this is a new type of anxiety for me.
I don’t do enough anything.
Usually I am very happy with me but I don’t feel good in my skin right now.
A certainty of uncertainty.
Avoidance forever or how long will I hold onto my own idiocy.

aLL the sobeR ladies, too(2)

This is the “Continued” portion of the TBCed aLL the sobeR ladies blog post I literally just published. I got cut off my the post which I didn’t know was a thing and now I do! Here’s to experiences and learning from them!!

That sentence sums up the biggest flaw in the Women for Sobriety New Life Program, it lacks owning your character defects, admitting them all out loud to another person, and forgiving yourself while keeping our past available to reference in times of tribulation. I’ve avoided doing a 4th step like it is the plague and I would have no issue writing down my shortcomings and all my dirty laundry so long as no one is ever going to see it. For Level 2 of WFSNLP it is suggested “to write down in detail our concepts, experiences, difficulties, and feelings.” I don’t feel that the softer approach is the wrong one but I feel that WFSNLP is the set up without the follow through, recognizing the problem but not confronting and dealing with the real issues. If it were as simple as loving myself, being positive, and wanting it to stay sober I’d be years sober because I have all of that going on. That is what I see the WFSNLP providing women self confidence, empowerment, and communication skills but it isn’t nearly enough to maintain sobriety.

In the Ninth Step Promises the Big Book tells us we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Our past does not have to define us, who we are, or how we live our lives; we need to forgive but not forget so we don’t doom ourselves to repeat the same mistakes. That seems to be a big part of WSFNLP’s theme, starting a New life and forgetting the past. It promotes “discarding negative thoughts” instead of changing our outlook and turning a negative into a positive; again, a glaring difference is the choice to ignore and/or forget the hardships and trials in life not to do something to change them or find benefit in experiencing life in whole: the good the bad and the beautiful but especially in recovery you can’t skip the painful and/or difficult stuff.

Level 5 – Relationships improving due to being happy and positive. No duh. They don’t even touch on handling the aftermath of our actions in addiction. Seeking forgiveness and accepting responsibility don’t seem to be mentioned much within this program. It seems that a person in WFSNLP can just opt out of resolving the wreckage left by the alcoholic/addict tornado. The past is not to be worried over or to carry guilt for so add insult to injury and act as though you don’t know anything about the pain you caused everyone around you. That definitely negates the good person aspect I at least hoped was part of the program.

Then there is this drivel: “Our culture has taught us to be over-dependent on others – by attaching our self-esteem to our relationships and to approval from others. Our value as a person often depends on our relation to others and not on our own intrinsic worth. On the other hand, we fear and dread rejection and hurt. Now is the time to take risks – be open about our feelings – be vulnerable – balance giving and receiving.” So the whole idea that these exact characteristics that you claim your program relieves women of through affirmations and happy thoughts you are now using as justification to continue being oppressed like we’re in the 50’s or 40’s?

It is 2019 and the only way to survive is on a two person income, stay at home moms are on food stamps and in state afforded housing; women may not be equal but we’re running right along side men at this point. The American culture hasn’t promoted being codependent any time recently. We empower our daughters nowadays. This program is giving excuses for feeling like a person: everyone dreads rejection and hurt. And what kind of risks is a woman taking in being open about her feelings that is ALL we seem to be now. I feel like I was in a time warp reading that.

Alas, I’ve digressed. It is apparent there is a lot left to be desired from the Women for Sobriety New Life Program as a life-coach facility let alone when claiming that it is a recovery program for people suffering from alcoholism and addiction.

I’m jumping off of my soapbox and going to go fact check myself before publishing it because I don’t want to end up having missed a unicorn rocking a mohawk as that is the level of miracle I’d have to find to make the WFSNLProgram anything more than a positive thinking support group. Damn it you cast aside bad thoughts instead of changing the perspective since that is where the problem is not the tossed aside thought.

I checked and they are proud to be the worst kind of recovery program I’ve come across and I stayed in a “sober living” house with 9 other girls for 500 dollars per and 3 people in my room, this program is worse because it is knowingly leading women and girls astray with all their thorough explanations of it being an “abstinence based” program and how it adhere’s to women’s sensitivities. A disgrace is all that is. I do hope that they are able to help more than harm and its never a bad thing to address defects of character to whatever degree they write about it. I’m also all for positive thinking and affirmations which, they are for sure putting questionable values out there, but at least it is with a smile and a heart full of love.

The Ninth Step Promises

The Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. 
They will always materialize if we work for them.


Big Book pages 83 & 84 

These are what practicing the principles of AA promises every alcoholic and addict to be able to achieve and receive through working an honest twelve step program with a sponsor.
I added all the “requirements” because they do matter in the materialization of these promises as we must put in the work to reap the rewards and it shows in who is in it to win it and the people still riding the fence – sometimes similar but distinctly different programs.

aLL the sobeR ladies

I found a page called Women for Sobriety and they approach the Program a little bit differently than Alcoholics Anonymous which follows the 12 steps and 12 traditions, instead they promote their “The Program” aka The Women for Sobriety New Life Program (WSNLP to me now) and that involves 13 “Acceptance Statements.” They promote a new way of life through a new way of thinking and that is something I already do through turning negativity into a positive outcome and focusing on loving myself first so I am definitely interested. I’m going to share with you their 13 Acceptance Statements and my thoughts on them to give you a comprehensive idea of what the WSNLP is about.

Just ran across their 4 steps to nurture behavioral changes and the first two are on point with what I urge others to do just with themselves so that is kind of cool:
1. Positive reinforcement (approval and encouragement) SAME JUST WITH SELF
2. Cognitive strategies (positive thinking) SAME
3. Letting the body help (relaxation techniques, meditation, diet and physical exercise) A GREAT WAY TO ATTEND TO YOUR WHOLE SELF
4. Dynamic group involvement NOT SO MUCH SINCE IT BEING ALL ABOUT YOU IS PART OF SELF LOVE

I FEEL LIKE I WAS STANDING ACROSS THE ROOM FROM YOU YELLING MY IDEAS AFTER READING IN A NORMAL VOICE ALL RUDE LIKE. I SAW YOU MOTIONING FOR ME TO QUIET DOWN BUT I’M JUST ENTHUSIASTIC!

The program concentrates on learning new self-enhancing behavior and developing a sense of empowerment and self-efficacy.” THIS IS ON POINT

WFS-NLP Acceptance Statements
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life and my well-being. I accept the responsibility. 
Sounding pretty familiar but a bit more dire than Step 1.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious sober act is to reduce negativity in my life.
Acceptance AND action I like it! Negativity is the crux of the problem.
3. Happiness is a habit I am developing.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
Action lovin' it! Not any more vague than the first few steps.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit.
I now better understand my problems. I do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
Learning to self soothe and taking responsibility for our reactions, impressive.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
Maybe C-words weren't the best choice but I'm all about positive self talk.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
Some days just are mediocre and part of recovery is accepting that as okay.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring is all important.
Not really for this one but self love and self care are numero uno.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into proper order knowing which are the priorities.
I'll agree that personal growth is  and that encompasses those so okay.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer am I victimized by the past. I am a new woman.
The past still happened and is something to learn from and appreciate. Also, the past
didn't victimize anyone. Own your shit and move forward with the wisdom from it.
10. All love gives returns.
I am learning to know that I am loved.
If we include negative returns then true. Must love yourself first.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure the moments of my New Life.
Lost me on daily enthusiasm I enjoy being reserved. "New Life" like you can throw
out the old one like it never happened? Not for this lack of appreciation of life lived.
12. I am a competent woman, and I have much to give life.
This is what I am, and I shall know it always.
More positive self talk, I'm all for it. You are much more than just competent though.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
That is it? Glad everyone has their wits about them but my mind abandoned ship for
a while so, hey, I'm the minority not many alcoholics or addicts have mental health 
disorders right? Yeah read sarcasm as that is opposite of correct. I can get behind the
thoughts and life and self and actions just want a little wiggle room for my mind too.

So all in all I am getting that they figured out the same thing I figured out – that in order to live a fulfilling and worthwhile life you have to love and take care of yourself. They started off strong with actionable follow ups to the acceptance but then I feel they just started throwing around positive affirmations rather than getting to the core of the problem: you’ve got to love yourself first and accept yourself including your past mistakes and experiences. 
This reads like a woman wrote it, it has a lot of fluffy niceties but lacks real substance or character building and in the end these ladies are still running from their issues. The steps embrace the manliness a bit more they are very direct and to the point and while WFSers are hiding their skeletons deeper in their closets the Program forces you, when you’re still raw, to face EVERYTHING you have ever done in your life. It works for a huge amount of people to finally get honest (which is the basis of my self love program but with another person knowing everything too. I respect it.) like they don’t want to ever have to admit anything ever again and are now leading an honest existence in the Program so BAM we get good people made!

ToBeContinuedinaLLthesobeRladiestoo2 Continue reading

spreken druggie

This page is to define drug user terminology and supply you with the different slang names given to the drugs that I have used.  I am not even going to scratch the surface on the plethora of nicknames given to drugs. In all reality we called most shit dope and knew what was being referred to by who you were talking to.

Methamphetamine – dope, crank, crystal, meth, glass, gak, fire, clear, blue, poop, shit, zip, shatter, shards, Christina, Tina, pookie, rocket fuel, no doze, speed, trash, chalk

Getting high on meth – getting scattered, spun, spun out, gakking, tweaking, fried, foiled, geared up

Heroin – dope, smack, H, pure, snow, junk, hero, china white, brown, black, cheese, chocolate, black tar, bird, bonita, tar, white shirt, scag

Mix of Methamphetamine and Heroin – goofball

Mix of Cocaine and Heroin – speedball

Cocaine – coke, blow, bump, rail, nose candy, dust, snow white, white powder, snow bird

Marijuana –  they have stores now filled with a huge diversity of descriptive pet names so I’ll name the basics: pot, weed, grass, green crack, grand daddy purp, doobie, palomita, purple haze, purple OG, Mary Jane, Mary, ad infinitum

Marijuana Concentrates/Hash Oil – bho, bubble hash, budder, butane hash, dabs, ear wax, edibles, crumble

Oxycodone, Oxycontin, Roxicodone – 30s, 40s, blues, buttons, hillbilly heroin, roxy, oxy 80s, oxy, oc, whites, killers

day 23 – haphazard woolgathering

“Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.”

Woody Allen, Deconstructing Harry

see me

Trying out some of these different options. I have been screwing around on my blog all day and really all night too.
I wrote my sKippingbackwarDs page and ended up cutting over half because I liked the top portion for that specified topic but what I cut branched into a new area of the same type of topic… I did copy it over to a draft (I didn’t think to do something so logical I copied it into my Nimbus Notes) well I kept it!
Soon I’ll grace you with my advice, or promotion more so, on loving yourself. My life is pretty shit-mediocre-ish, no matter I enjoy the heck out of it, and I am happy and satisfied in it in big part because I have such a good relationship with myself and honest love and like of me.
This format is driving me bonkers!
Thank you, next.

  1. Aww come on push it.
  2. What’s the worst that could happen?
  3. I would sincerely enjoy comments in response to the above question.
  4. This is how I make a list which I do believe I have tried!! Lame-me lol.
  5. Look now it is new to me it is a numbered list!
  6. Seriously touch it!!
This is rad!Ooooh I see.I’m learning how tables work
I was sure that I’d messed up the whole deal.
Just learned that I can take two linesUgh that is ugly haha middle!!
I should add 2+2=4
I’ve done it now I’ve done it

Thank you for enduring my shenanigans and still continuing to read!!

I have done less than nothing today and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
My only act that made a difference to someone else in the world today was picking up Alex, my boyfriend, from the mechanic where he took his car this morning. In doing so I was also dropping myself off and allowing him to use my car. Better yet, my car needed oil, a bath, and a good vacuuming and trash stop which he, being the amazing guy he is, agreed to doing all of. Also he is absolutely okay with my enjoying dicking off on my laptop all day.
Shoot I should be decent and clean something huh?

This was all a setup and I failed my portion of the exam you never saw me

Will this work better? I guess I won’t be able to tell until I type a bit in this box it seems. It seems interesting that you are interested in what I may have to say on different topics. I appreciate you, every one of the two people who have come by to check me out. I wonder if that had been the case if I’d be sad. I’m doing this as a weird kind of therapy to keep me from making more unnecessary left turns in life. This should be enough.

day 22 – revised silhouette

deception2

I found this quote and it has me perplexed. I’ve been trying to simplify it in order to define its meaning. It seems really obvious but then doesn’t seem to add up.
Below I take the long way through my thinking and writing process to decipher this little gem.

Word for word substitutions: Existence/soul/survival is the creativity/mastery/ability of living/ensuing/enduring effectively/thoroughly/skillfully beguiled/deluded/fooled; and so that/so/that one may the duplicity/disinformation/guile can/be allowed/be permitted triumph/prosper/advance it has to/be obliged to/should be continual/perpetual/routine/typical and unbroken/successive/sustained.

Survival is the ability of enduring thoroughly fooled; and so that the disinformation can advance it has to be routine and sustained.

Existence is the creativity of living effectively beguiled; and that one may the duplicity be allowed triumph it should be perpetual and successive.

Soul is the mastery of ensuing skillfully deluded; and so the guile be permitted prosper it be obliged to be continual or typical and unbroken.

Breakdown through definitions: Living things and their activity is the expression of human creative skill and imagination of existence, being alive in a good or satisfactory way cause to believe something that is not true or give the mistaken impression or fail to admit to oneself that something is true; and so that the thing that deceives expressing possibility achieve the desired aim or result it be obliged to be done or doing constantly; regular; usual and without a break in the continuity.

Now I’m going to try some comprehension of the mess above:
Given a little change
Our existence is the expression of reality aptly mislead; and so that this falsity disguised as truth can win approval it has to be repeatedly done and incessant.
Inference/My takeaway
Through our experiences we are painting our life’s great masterpiece depicted by our skewed view of reality and to continue enjoying life we have to maintain a unique, oblique perspective.
Another idea without being so wordy
Life portrays our stories as we have shaped them to be over time and with repetition to become our truths.
This is quite enjoyable
My mind was stuck on lying boyfriend earlier
Straightforward encompassing that deception
In order to survive we must become easily fooled to avoid the pain of betrayal; if the deceiver cares they will be consistent and competent in their lies.

My day was tolerable. I’ve been experiencing high anxiety at night last night and tonight. First it was about my daughter not being here this weekend and has traversed to causing me frustration about my boyfriend’s dishonesty.
Really, if I’m being honest with both of us really honestly, I’m craving smoking the pizzzipe so I’m feeling a bit antsy about that as well. Since Aiden, my real ex husband, decided to keep Riley with them for the weekend it gave me an excuse that I nearly jumped at to just say “fuck it” and get high.
I will say that I think I should be allowed to get high so long as it is when I don’t have my girls as well as not being under the influence around them but on my own time I don’t think anyone has the right to tell me what to do. If it was negatively effecting my behavior I’d, of course, not partake but that not being an issue I do believe that people should have the right to choose if they want to imbibe drugs or alcohol. The only reason I got found out about my use was track marks being seen and then heroin was the only one found out. Day to day no one knew.
Whatever, not an option so don’t know why I felt the need to romanticize a negative decision that would really throw a wrench into my life right now anyway.

Language shaping thought is a new concept for me. As just a basic idea that the type of language a person utilizes within their life impacts their thoughts seems like a “duh” moment but I know there is a lot more diversity in meanings and interpretations of this short three-word sentence. Language shapes thought. I’m going to do more research into this and come back to this subject at a later date.

Going to go find a new quote possibly or a different idea entirely!!

Baby bye, bye, bye! (Bye, bye!)

 

 

 

 

days 19-21 – circumstantial footprint

Today day 21/March 28

Woke up and was late to the morning meeting at work.
Working – got offered a possible full-time position through the company I’ve been temping (temporarily working [on call as needed] for) with the past three weeks.
My supervisor came up to me at the end of the day, while I was putting the finishing touches on a project I’d stayed late to help complete as it was due to be shipped today, and took me by complete surprise by declaring, “You are awesome.”
I nervously laughed and said dorkily, “Well, much appreciated!”
She went on to say that she finds the way and how I work and figure things out “awesome” and asked if I would be interested in working for their company full-time.
Another lame response from me, “Oh yes very much so.”
She had a laugh at that and we said a few more things in regards to continuing to work there as I completed my task and I thought she was going to hug me for a second but raised her arms above her head and said, “That’s all for you today!! You can get on up outta here!”
My response: “I like the people here” (responding to a previous question from our just had conversation I apparently hadn’t felt I’d adequately answered already) and “Good day.” (don’t worry she probably let herself believe I’d said “Have” as I didn’t say it in some uppity accented way) I left feeling like I had had my first ever conversation in the adult world and had ACED it!! Now I realize I was as delusional as I must have seemed but oh well – they like me! they like me! they really like me!
Came home to see my man off for a new daily couple/few hour fishing trip (my overreacting female brain is waving neon red flags in paranoia just thinking about it) since spring has overtaken winter (keeping my sanity with reasoning). He does invite me but knows I won’t likely go so that reasoning doesn’t help me one way or the other.
Raced around trying to go do an UA but found out my card had a block put on it for my bank’s disbelief that I am willing to pay truthfinder 5 bucks to find out the owner’s names of phone numbers (gotta love this crazy sponge in my head) I find on my boyfriends phone account usage log that I don’t already know (haven’t yet checked out and verified already) so I couldn’t access my monies on said card for an hour after I called putting my money’s availability past the allowed arrival time of pee-ers at my UA place.
Settled in and rewrote an email to my ex Grayson to request the court ordered parenting plan be followed in regards to my visitation as he has been ignoring my compliance and therefore has been withholding my rightful lawfully allotted progression in visitations with Hope for the past nearly 9 months. I had spoken to him about a month ago and he had verbally agreed to solving the issue by giving me more time as soon as he left and moved away from Kimmie this month (he’s been planning and telling me about this plan for the past 9 months so I have been patiently waiting). He went so far as to ask for my help finding places for him to rent which I did as I thought I was doing something beneficial for Hope. He has still not moved and it is the end of the month and I’m not willing to continue waiting and feel I have been a good sport about it and honestly even in my email am still being. I sent it about an hour ago after I knocked out my 6th draft after rewording and editing and simplifying even more so than I had from my previous drafts for nearly 6 hours. The real beauty – he’ll read it in mere seconds and then Kimmie will reply her disapproval (He has admitted that she is the reason behind my visitation not progressing as it should. pathetic bullshit, if you ask me, to allow her any involvement in my relationship with my daughter.) and repeat the argument SHE made previously when denying me progression in my visits 9 months ago that I proved inaccurate numerous times since.
Here let me throw this out there as a question to hopefully be commented on (I am taking my case to an attorney who is from an amazingly successful law firm and does pro bono work helping poor people like me with how to proceed/what to legally do in custody situations to be sure as well before going back to court) there are actually two:
1. If a requisite is stated as a MUST followed by a sentence stating something SHOULD occur is SHOULD a suggestion or a requirement? And if it is a requirement why is it not grouped with the MUST denoted factors before it?
2. Can a judge (unknowingly or knowingly though I hope it was the former) make something that is unattainable and unobtainable a requirement for visitations? This being something impossible to do as no labs in my state test for and therefore no facilities in my state (something passed that made all UA facilities report to in state labs **anyone know what law or regulation I’m referring too??) can supply me with proof of cutoff levels as low as suggested.
3. (thought up another one) Can a custody trial take place at a place outside of both the mother and father’s city of residence when there is a court within reasonable distance of both? It did but I’m curious as to the legality and therefore validity of the decision. I was deemed indigent and because I had no money to pay for transportation to the courthouse 50 miles away I wasn’t even able to attend the trial.
4. Any lawyers reading this out there in internetLand who want to help me out? I do better getting my point across via type versus talk.  I’ll also be posting a story as to how this whole custody scenario was set into motion shortly as well. It is heartbreaking and unbelievable but I’ve very honestly depicted what happened in what I’ve wrote thus far.

Yikes waay beyond my bedtime!!

 

Yesterday (day 20/March 27th) I worked. I went to treatment which was kind of cool because the new counselor took the note I wrote her to heart and kept the information interactive involving the group with questions and allowing for comprehensive answers versus cutting people off per usual AND she gave us paper to write ideas for group topics on or changes in the group we’d like to see. I’d written very plainly the basic gist of what I’ll write it here:
1. This group is lacking since Marty left.
2. He would ask questions about our lives and it brought about a great atmosphere of trust and sharing and comradery amongst us.
3.  We are not retaining any information from you reading unrelatable (or for that matter even relatable) topics to us for the entire 2 hours.
4. I’m no longer finding anything about treatment worthwhile or uplifting and am only showing up because I’m required to.
5. I did enjoy the medicine wheel you did with us last week, keep that up!
So I think my point made it across to her and I felt validated by her NOT just reading and by her requests. However, (geez right never satisfied) I actually really wanted to sleep through treatment yesterday but in attempting to do so a bit just by having my eyes closed (which she, bless her heart, tolerated for the entirety of the group), even though I was still participating and answering questions,  I got myself into trouble and having to be told to sit up and take my feet off of the neighboring seat as I was slouching with my knees folded up to my chest (looking a little too comfortable maybe) so I corrected by scooching backward an inch and extending my legs to where my feet dangled off of the seat with my legs still propped up by the chair.
Yeah I realize it was an asshole move but I was wiped.
Upon arriving home I unclothed down to my underwear and flopped onto the bed (two couches put together since a bed would be a committment!!! and we can’t have any of that) then I called my daughter for our nightly chat and immediately after I hung up I fell asleep. I slept and slept and slept until I was nearly late for work and abruptly woke this morning!!

Tuesday (day 19/March 26)

I woke up late so, as seems to be my pattern lately, I rushed out the door to get to work on time.
I worked.
I drove home from work.
I arrived home and turned on the tv.
I promptly fell asleep.
I woke up to call my daughter.
I fell right back asleep once we ended the call.
I slept without dreams I could recall until I woke up with a few extra minutes to brush my teeth yesterday!! (eww gross!! haha yeah I know I can be)

 

Fare thee well!