gratitude list

Before I got a sponsor or at least started actively working with her I knew enough about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)- of which I am a member and for me I have no issue breaking anonymity but I will ALWAYS respect the anonymity of others in the program -to get started working my steps right out of the gate. So I made a gratitude list (as I have done many times when I feel my life is unmanageable/I need to settle my brain and thinking down). I think sharing my step work can/may be able to show another person how simple the “design for living” in AA is and hopefully somewhere/someday (or not) someone suffering can see there is a way out.

So without further ado my GRATITUDE LIST 03/07/2023 (9 days into my sobriety this time around):

*Usually folks say to do a list of 5 which is what I’ve usually done/do but if you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten I’ve heard so I did 10 in order of importance in my life*

1. My Higher Power, I call him Ted/God and having a REAL relationship with him today.
2. Me, ALIVE, SANE, SOBER, WILLING
3. My kiddos health and happiness and knowing and trusting my HP is protecting my girls while they’re fathers continue to “hide them” from me going on 2 years yesterday. My son being born amazingly perfect and super smart and him having the dad that he does who is number 4.
4. M’s love and understanding and support and unconditionally loving me anyway even when I thought he didn’t care/was indifferent. Him continuing to have faith and support my crazy ass while I was a dry drunk for 5 years (in meetings not working a program) and still getting high on dry goods (drugs) while he stayed sober since before I met him.
5. My dad and my lil brother for almost always loving me anyway and supporting me through it all.
6. AA and the fellowship, my chosen family, and the new friends I’m meeting and the old friends who never gave up on me.
7. Forgiving myself and loving myself unconditionally always. And knowing my human fallibility and being okay with my mistakes.
8. Knowing I’m worthwhile and respecting myself fully and creating healthy boundaries in my life today.
9. Learning to get boundaries.
10. Life and living life on life’s (God’s) terms today. Turning my will over to the God of my understanding each morning and letting He who has all power have all power direct my life today, knowing He’s got me.

AA Step 2 Part 1 & 2 Step Work

scribbLes4sanity

Step 2 Part 1: What my God/Higher Power is.

Unconditionally loving of EVERY human being.

My Higher Power (HP) started off as a waterfall/or mountain.
Today 03-13-2023 and for the last short while (a couple years now) my HP is my best friend, Father, confidant, mentor, and I often refer to Him as TED but call Him God as well. I am a daughter of God and I’m finally letting him take the wheel in the car of my life.

He is NOT the “feared” God of religion. He is all love and I finally am able to really hear His guidance daily in my life because I’m asking for it and talking to him. I’m genuinely asking numerous times a day/whenever needing to make a decision I’m even a little unsure about for direction and “Thy will, not mine, be done.” And He guides me. And today since I…

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AA Step 2 Part 3 & 4 Step Work

scribbLes4sanity

Step 2 Part 3: Ideas, emotions and attitudes from my addiction.

I’m not the biggest fan of looking backward and am at peace with my past today. However, my sponsor asked me to complete a full page on this part and I am doing as I am suggested to do because she knows better how to stay sober than I do.

I will still premise this by saying that I DO NOT REGRET NOR WOULD I CHANGE ANY of my past mistakes because they made me the person I am today and God put me through my trials in life for His Reasons.

I was selfish, self centered, and self seeking in my addiction even when I thought I was not. Using drugs/alcohol while being a parent even if it was after they were asleep was/is not healthy or being a good parent/example for my children. I put my needs…

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AA Step 1 Step work

Step 1: 5 things that made my life unmanageable in my addiction.

1. Using/drinking/altering my natural state of mind messes with/dupes my reality/I lose my sanity, my serenity, my brain.
2. I didn’t/couldn’t do right for my daughters being “hidden” from me
3. I was/am toxic for M and everyone in my life.
4. Thinking I was a “functioning addict/alcoholic”
5. Having no HP or at least a real honest connection/relationship with Him.

5 things I’m powerless over:

1. Other people – their actions, behaviors, feelings, anything/everything outside myself.
2. My addiction/using/etc – if I use I’m choosing misery and possible death by my own stupidity.
3. Triggers – they’re everywhere in life.
4. Environments/energies in a room.
5. Being in control of my life – “Thy will, not mine, be done”

I’m sorry Daddy I’m awesome

scribbLes4sanity

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scribbles4sanity.blog

Hey ya’all it’s been a hot minute but I’m finally back from hiding and isolating during some interesting times in my life I’ve been going through. All is well and completely fuckered up in a lot of ways but I keep being happy despite and often in spite of my circumstances. I miss ya’all and am doing a new blog for a new part of my life and you can find me over on scribbles4sanity.blog on twitter.com/skribbles4saniT and finally facebook.com/jeshkahope . Love you all and be easy!!

Therefore I am

I’m right. You’re right. We may not see eye to eye. Heck we may completely disagree and have polar opposite views and/or ideas but that doesn’t deem either of us wrong. Oh and Franky – he has a set of beliefs that are incongruent with both of the ways we see this dilemma, discussion, idea, topic, belief, situation, perspective, choice, behavior, cause &/or effect, et al ad nauseam. But, you guessed it! Franky is correct in how he feels too!!

You think I’m koo koo for fruity pebbles don’t you? or probably blowing smoke or making nonsensical untrue attributions to the ability for 3 opposing viewpoints to all be true and/or right and/or correct/accurate/etc ad infinitum. Nope although it may sound too good (or bad depending on your reading of the partially filled glass concept) to be true, like a flight of fancy for everyone to accept any/everything so we can all just get along and bury our heads up our naysayers asses rather than hold to our feelsings, thoughts and beliefs. I’m not a fan of sand and definitely keeping my pride and passion for the things I give the time and thought to form an opinion about far from hiding or near wavering to appease one’s sensitivities or for any reason that may give confidence to your take over by heaving niceties and assurances and withering behind into yours or Franky’s shadow! My point of view is important to me – why would I waste my time and energy sharing it if it were not? Oh but trolls….

Those frumpy creatures of the information super highway that seem to have the sole purpose of infuriating the rest of us “civilized” folk just trying to collaborate and find consolment and camaraderie with like minded individuals. And even, if we’re open to our own fallibility and fortunate enough to find an actual human being with compassion and tact and avoid the bridge shadow-dwellers looking for wishful searchers of ideas and growth like ourselves, we can enter into real worthwhile discussion, debate and, dare I say possible collaboration with other sides of the think tank?!

Oh but Jess! how you digress… or have I merely put to the test some of my own ideas.
Maybe a bit of both.

But back to basics, you and I don’t see things even similarly so why do I still say you are right? I don’t agree with your perspective, I think you’re wrong but I know you are right. As am I. And Granky he’s bananas coming from left outfield when we are over here playing basketball on an indoor court! No, I do not agree with Franky either. He’s still right, however. And left field or center court his point of view, idea, thinking belief, et al blah blah blah is of just as much value and worth as mine and yours. Can you dig it? Can you see it? Do you care? And even if so, so what?

So what?
And lady what are we even talking about and how do you know we don’t agree?

Kudos. Heck you, me and Franky -whoever he is- might completely agree and be on the same page. Cool thing about that is even when we do and/or are that page is from a while different (even if oft similar and sometimes nearly identical) book and I don’t doubt our chapters wouldn’t sync up either.

In all reality sometimes I’m not even in the same book as the page I’m on and while I hoard my books and refuse to destroy a single paragraph so far they all read to the tune of The Neverending Story (I genuinely don’t know the first thing about the actual story/novel by that title so I’m using the title for the broad concept alone) of which will end this metaphor and leave it open to you w hat it means (or doesn’t mean) to you.

I love the internet, the world-wide web of ever growing information at my fingertips – literally a click away. And now it is with me everywhere, its portable and not having the capability to find the correct answer is almost stigmatized and so we are all geniuses with all the right answers right there in our pocket or purse or wishfully nowadays for me AT HOME while I try out life with uncertainty again!

Whimsical wonders while wandering . . . wish me luck!

<p class="has-drop-cap has-white-color has-text-color has-large-font-size" value="<amp-fit-text layout="fixed-height" min-font-size="6" max-font-size="72" height="80">𝘈ꞙ𝒕ꬲ𝒓𝓽𝒽ဝ𝞄ɡ𝐡𝙩𝒔 𝙛၀𝗿 𝓉ｈ𝙤𝖘ｅ ૦𝔣 𝜸𝖔υ 𝕤𝔱𝚒𝝞ᛁ 𝓌𝗂𝕥𝗁 ｍе:𝘈ꞙ𝒕ꬲ𝒓𝓽𝒽ဝ𝞄ɡ𝐡𝙩𝒔 𝙛၀𝗿 𝓉ｈ𝙤𝖘ｅ ૦𝔣 𝜸𝖔υ 𝕤𝔱𝚒𝝞ᛁ 𝓌𝗂𝕥𝗁 ｍе:

⚘ A rule I’ve made for myself that has helped me immensely in a lot of ways is that in order to take a stance on something, anything where I am in disagreement with someone else’s perspective I must be able to not only put myself in their shoes but see and appreciate what they see making sense and why one might be inclined to see it in that way. I have to be able to argue either side – or all points if it is more than two clashing ideas – in order for me to stand behind something I believe to be true. It is sort of like playing devil’s advocate with myself but to a bit more thorough of an extent than I do with other people. I drive my 14 year old bonkers sometimes when I do so in our conversations just to get us both thinking on our toes a bit and have to remind her that I am totally in agreeance with her but just helping us see all the sides!
⚘ I watched the movie The Map Of Perfect Tiny Things a few nights ago and was thoroughly impressed with the creator’s genius. I recommend it to all – it may seem a bit teenybopperesque at first or by the cover and cheesiness abounds but in a really good way – so don’t write it off as just some chick flick that you won’t relate to because it has a little something special for everyone to take away from it. Tell me what you think after you see it and I’d love to hear what else you could think to do in that scenario. Or taking that Groundhog Day idea how would you spin it? I thought this concept and all the little nuances within Tiny Things were very fresh and revitalized and I was taken aback with how enthralled and intrigued I was with this movie.
⚘ Something I’m teaching my daughters and making sure to remember myself as I interact with people throughout life when they are being shitty: how a person treats us isn’t a reflection of us and often has nothing to do with us but rather completely about themselves and something they’re dealing with in life. So try not to react in kind with offense or annoyance but instead confuse em with kindness.

life goes on…

and on
and on
and on

𝒶𝐧𝕕 𝒕𝕙𝜶𝙣𝕜 ց𝞸𝞸ｄ𝗇℮𝑠𝕤 ꞙ𝒐ᴦ 𝑡𝚑ａ𝐭

I give up on myself way too soon more often than I’m proud to say but as I do pride myself on honesty I am admittedly lackadaisical by nature and will usually choose the path of least resistance (and effort). The toughest trials in my life, however, have made me a better person and if I’d had my way I wouldn’t have had to go through them or would have checked out long ago amidst my struggles and today I LOVE ME! and I’m proud of me! and I can depend on me! and I wouldn’t trade being me for anything! That is huge for me, for anyone really I do believe but, while I’ve faked the funk and walked the walk and talked a big game, I was phony and I didn’t like me or believe in myself in the least. Would you have known this meeting me or even being one of my closest people in life? Not likely. Most didn’t. Until my current Mister – who has seen right through and helped me leave behind the bullshit and mask I hid behind since day numero uno – I had had most everyone fooled (save for my ex-husband and when he’s not in his holier than thou persona my father as well) and had begun to get lost myself in who I really am versus what I’d created to appease the world. The line was so blurred it was nearly nonexistent.

Ι’d ﾧﾷϺﾼ Țﾷ ҌﾼﾤΙﾼѵﾼ ȚￃΔȚ ￦ￃΔȚ ﾷȚￃﾼЯଌ ҌﾼﾤΙﾼѵﾼd ﾷԲ Ϻﾼ ￦Δଌ Ϻﾼ.

From the time I was in middle school until a few years back now I cared dependently what people thought of and said about me. My life revolved around my distorted view of the opinion other people may or may not have had of me. On the thankfully very rare occasion I look backwards and examine the unchangeable choices that led me to today I am bummed for past me and embarrassed at how much time I wasted second guessing myself and being unhappy based on imaginary disdain from people who didn’t matter then and definitely don’t matter now (in my life, of course as people they matter I truly believe everyone does just not in regards to my world). and in all reality probably weren’t thinking about me at all let alone whatever I led myself to believe. But hey – I am here now right where I apparently need to be in life and I learned valuable lessons from making these mistakes along the way so I am grateful for my ignorance and worst experiences. Without those things I may not be me as I am today, I may still be struggling with worry over impressing people on facebook or losing sleep at night wondering what if I had said or done this instead of that and dreading my days…

α δεℓιςατε βαℓαηςε

I learned the hard way that while I am not going to lose sleep over the opinion of others I can’t completely forget that they exist and people are unpredictable and can wreak havoc when you least expect it so I stay aware and use caution when handling the egos and feelings of people who could potentially or have affected mine and my girls’ lives negatively. I keep them out of sight as much as possible but never fully out of mind without letting them invade my life, my thoughts, my energy. A very delicate balance. I have the great program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the teachings of letting go of anger and resentments to thank for a lot of that sanity of which I am truly grateful. I believe this genius that has saved me a lot of heartache and wasted energy is attributed to Buddha: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The simple logic behind this exponentially powerful idea is life altering when embraced and while I’ve never been an angry person I have been a grudge-holder in my self-righteous indignation and held onto blaming others (when deserved but alas does not matter) and resentments with a fear that relinquishing these feelings was allowing them to win or proving them right in some way. However just the opposite happened when I finally embraced forgiveness and acceptance and let go of being hurt and right and justified I freed myself of their control and stopped allowing their negativity to affect me. I won. I got my life back, I took my life back. I took my power back, I stopped giving them power over me. I used to poo-poo this quote because I was the victim and unbeknownst to me for the longest time (until I hit my 30s) I held onto my victimhood for dear life in fear of accepting and taking responsibility for my life and what that would mean in facing myself and having to actually DO something about my self loathing. Being the victim was my security blanket because then it was never my fault and I could tell anyone willing to listen exactly how I was stuck because of everything else everyone else and I was not to blame. The quote I speak of is from Eleanor Roosevelt and while I still have my moments of weakness I grow stronger in accepting and living this truth every day: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Ӏե ís ղօե ҽɑsყ . .

Photo credit Tembela Bohle

. .ҍմե íե ís síʍթƖҽ

It takes work to change from a negative to a positive mindset.
It takes a desire and then applying new habits to your everyday.
It doesn’t just happen. No one else can do it for you. Shortcuts don’t work or last.
I end up falling back into old patterns from time to time but each time I do it gets easier to get back on track.
I choose everyday to be happy. If I am unhappy I realize that is a choice I am making which I find bananas to choose to be unhappy nowadays so I don’t.
It takes a conscious effort to choose happiness, to let go of victimhood, to take responsibility for myself and my happiness and not play the blame game and give away my power and my choice.
I give forgiveness immediately for myself and my sanity even if the person I am forgiving never knows it isn’t for them it is for me.
Each day I try to begin with a clean slate for everyone in my life. I don’t allow yesterdays to affect today and it starts the night before. Before going to sleep I let go of all ill will or negative thoughts or feelings I may have had throughout the day.
Negativity is such a minimal aspect in my life these days because I worked my butt off to change my thinking and after a lot of trial and error and ups and downs and so many failures and missteps it has become second nature to shut down negative thoughts and feelings and embrace only worthwhile positive thinking and actions that reflect what I want not what I don’t want.
Baby steps. Cliche because it works.
Put yourself first and life takes on a whole new view.
Start today – when you have a negative thought consciously stop that thought and reframe it into a positive. Call yourself out to yourself and be accountable to you! Change takes time and repetition creates habits.
Of course there is more to it and again it isn’t easy but sincerely it is simple.
So put foot to ass and start living life choosing to be happy!!
You matter and only you can decide to show you that that is so.

ᙅᖾoo⳽ᥱ ᖾᥲρρɩᥒᥱ⳽⳽.

Ƙιη∂ηєѕѕ ιѕ ƒяєє,
gινє ιт ƒяєєℓу.

AʇɈǝɿɈʜoυϱʜɈƨ

\(‾▿‾\) People are ultimately self-absorbed (myself included) so while you are stressing over what they’re thinking about you or what you said or did more often than not they’re not they are thinking about themselves.
\(‾▿‾\) How someone treats you is not a reflection on you but rather how they feel about themselves so don’t take offense or let it get under your skin. Try taking the high road when someone is rude to you be understanding that you don’t know what they have going on in their life and compassionate and forgive them and be kind anyway.
\(‾▿‾\) We are all struggling with our own shit, put yourself in the other persons shoes before passing judgment or getting upset and realize that we have no idea what could be affecting another person to make them act the way they do. Compassion – it is contagious give it a try and let the positive energy start with you. You can change a person’s life without ever knowing it by showing kindness in the smallest way. Think the butterfly effect.
\(‾▿‾\) No matter if you’re right or wrong if you feel a certain way that is your choice and right but so is it every other person’s right to feel however they feel. It is okay for us not to agree and we can learn from looking through another person’s eyes at any-and-everything in life if we are willing. Live and let live, treat others as you would like to be treated, show rather than tell and be humble.
\(‾▿‾\) Failure is a choice. You can’t fail if you keep trying. Without mistakes how would we learn and grow? Fall down seven times, get up eight and you are succeeding and getting better as you go.

pocketmindfulness.com gets me

When life gets me to my breaking point and my sanity is endangered I frantically type in my favorite website/blog url and wait impatiently for it to speedily load so I can click the newest article and every time I have done so it is exactly what I need to hear. It is as though the author has written it just for me knowing just what I need to hear to calm the storms of overthinking and swirling of bad ideas that I’ve concocted and often am set on pursuing right up until that one brave intelligent brain cell pipes up to remind me that I should always check into pocketmindfulness.com before going completely off the deep end as it has worked wonders since I found the site almost two years ago.

It is still a mystery how I came to have the blog appear on my screen by no doing of my own as I was having a nervous breakdown when my laptop was being accessed remotely and I didn’t know how to make it stop or who would be doing so (they did nothing nefarious to my computer and to the best of my knowledge didn’t take anything that I have missed or has been used without my consent I just lost control of my cursor and when I regained control this site was open on my browser and I’ve been hooked ever since *no affiliation between the site owner and the remote accessing fyi*) but I am forever grateful that it did.

The following is the beginning of the article that brought me back from the brink of sanity and showing my ass in following through with the bonkers plans I was making a couple days ago…

I specifically don’t post the entire article so you can navigate over to the author’s post and give him the credit he’s due and traffic to his site which is ad/popup free and has a lot more great posts and information I guarantee will help you if you are looking for a more mindful existence.

Pocket Mindfulness

Be here.

A Simple Tip for Success – Don’t Fall Into Story

People say there are no shortcuts to success, and I think that’s largely true.

Hard work combined with a little bit of good luck along the way is probably the closest recipe.

That said, one thing I’ve learned about success in any endeavor is that negativity will greatly reduce your chances of reward.

I’m not saying that positive thinking will bring you success; nothing will happen without action.

But what I can say with absolute certainty is that being negative and focusing on past bad experiences does not bring anything positive to your life.

Of course, that can be quite difficult to do, particularly if you have been traumatized by a bad experience.

In this case, I would encourage you to seek help, be that through counseling or therapy, or through methods such as meditation, self-hypnosis, or by reading about the experiences of others who have been through similar.

The fact remains, though, like violence breeds violence, negativity breeds negativity.

Don’t Fall Into Story

I once heard a really good tip for success from Tim Ferris, author of the 4-Hour Workweek. I think it was in a podcast interview where he said the worst thing you can do is to “fall into story”.

By the way, it’s an amazing book for those looking to work less and have more time for the fun things in life. + See it here on Amazon.

This is one of those lines that has stuck with me for many years and, whenever I catch myself doing just that, I say that line out loud to snap myself out of it.

I even have a Post-It note on my wall that says “don’t fall into story”

Falling into story refers to that frame of mind you slip into when things aren’t going your way, or when you feel overwhelmed or in a bad mood, or you just feel like you’re not making progress – despite how much effort you’re putting it.

So you revert to saying things like:

….Keep reading by clicking here – it’ll take you to the article posted by the author on his blog at pocketmindfulness.com